Blogging is Dead. This site is obsolete.

Posted by Johnny at 2:55 p.m.

I hearby declare blogging (and blagging) officially deceased. Technically, it died at the exact moment one of my super non-technical friends, who shall remain nameless, registered his blogger account, which caused me to have apocalyptic flashes... but we'll just say it died today (August 8, 2007).

You might ask, "so what about social networks?"

Let me answer that question with another question: fuck you. Social networks are the digital equivalent of the Popular Club in junior high, except that there's no way to filter out the ugly people because it's all anonymous. Therefore, popularity is purely quantitative and is directly proportional to the amount of time you waste trying to be popular, and you become a big douchebag in the process. In conclusion, social networks should have been aborted before the first trimester and are therefore dead.

"So if social networking is out, then what's the Next Big Thing™, Johnny? Is it twitter? It's twitter isn't it?"

Fuck no. Twitter is going the way of the hamster dance. Who gives a fuck about what you're thinking at this exact instance, anyway? "Craving nacho cheese." "Fantasizing about Harry Potter." "Yay, knitting tonight!" BORING. Shoot me in the face.

"You're an ass, just tell me."

FINE. The next big thing is... prepare yourself... continuously streaming vital signs monitored via a discreet anal probe. Think of it as the vital signs twitter, or Vitter™.

Basically, you have a wi-fi enabled anal probe that monitors your vital signs, such as heart rate, blood pressure, temperature, glucose levels, etc. and streams these to a central repository so your friends can keep track of you. You can subscribe to feeds via RSS and even view daily summaries with graphs and charts, etc. Of course, your friends can comment on trends (e.g. "Wow, that must have been a spicy vindaloo at lunch", or "dude, you forgot to take your insulin").

One thing Kevin pointed out to me in the idea phase is that he won't be able to stalk people if he gives up on social networks. I pointed him to Vitter. Here's our conversation:

Kevin: but...where will i stalk people now?
Johnny: you can stalk people through vitter
Johnny: "ooh, she seems healthy"

So you can see, this opens up a whole new avenue for Internet creepiness. "Mmm, I like my girls at 38 degrees." Guys like Reid would enjoy it.

So does the introduction of Vitter mean this blog is going to disappear? Probably not, because it's hard to convey brilliant ideas, like Vitter, by raising your cholesterol. One day, though... one day.

Born to Fist

Posted by Johnny at 4:31 p.m.

Haha... hahahaha... haha... hahahahahahahahaha.

I think something got lost in translation there.

Freaky Shit

Posted by Johnny at 1:52 p.m.

Here's the first one (from Digg, of course). Looks like the three stooges (Bushy, Rovey, and Dicky) have been reading up on their Goering.



And the second one, also from Digg, is the worlds tallest man shaking hands with the worlds shortest man. Both are from inner Mongolia. The tallest man recently helped save a bunch of dolphins somehow, but I can't remember the details and I'm too lazy to look it up.


PS: Hey, it's Friday the 13th. Cool, I think.

Confession

Posted by Johnny at 10:33 a.m.

[from digg]

Overheard in New York

Posted by Johnny at 1:22 p.m.

[from here]

Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?

Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.

Teen girl: I'm not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit... One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god... seriously?

Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I'm just like that too. But really it's because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It's the only reason why I say nice things to other people.

Drunk ponytailed guy: So, like what's our situation?
Girl: Ummm, what do you mean?
Drunk ponytailed guy: Like do you ... want me to come up?
Girl: What part of your ponytail makes you think I'd go home with you tonight?

God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won't be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!
Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.

Random letters and quotes

Posted by Johnny at 9:28 a.m.

from xkcd

Johnny: "And this is why love sucks - it directs all of your blood away from your brain and into your heart and genitalia."

Reid: "Well, all of your blood passes through your heart regardless."

Johnny: "Right."

High School Papers, or Peter Nguyen is my God

Posted by Johnny at 12:20 p.m.

If I could go back to high school and care even less than I did at the time, I would write shit like this for every assignment.
Thank you, Jimmy McPerson, and touché, teacher.

Damn you, Walt Whitman!

Birthday Calculator

Posted by Johnny at 5:26 p.m.

This is pretty cool. It tells you various stats about your birthday. Apparently, I share a birthday with Ringo Starr.

It also tells you what your life path number is. Mine is 1. From the site:

The Life Path 1 suggests that you entered this plane with skills allowing you to become a leader type rather easily. Your nature is charged with individualistic desires, a demand for independence, and the need for personal attainment. Many of our military generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path 1. When you display positive 1 traits your mind is capable of significant creative inspiration, and it possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. You are very good at getting the ball rolling; initiating new projects is your forte. You are at your best when confronted with obstacles and challenges, as you combat these with strength and daring. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. You have a tendency to do this, even if, at times, it is not appropriate for you to do so.

Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You tire of routine and highly detailed tasks rather quickly.

Dead on.

Perceived Fridayness

Posted by Johnny at 12:42 p.m.

And now to make full use of my "graphs" tag...

Jerry Fallwell Died

Posted by Johnny at 1:04 p.m.

When I had time to rant about things (my young, idealistic days), I would often jump at the shit spewed forth by right wing Christian leaders such as Pat "Motherfucker" Robertson and Jerry Fallwell. Now that I'm a little older and a little wiser, I'm not going to rant about Fallwell on his death - I'm going to leave that to the digg community and post the best responses here. I hope you enjoy it.

I hate to say this but I'm Conservative and he scared me

It's wrong to speak ill of the dead.
So I have little to say.
I suppose the world is a better place now than it was.

I hope it's not too hot where he's at right now.
Oh wait. I do.
Good riddance you fucking whore. I hope you're burning in a place you've feared in your life.

Fuck Jerry Falwell, too bad he didn't die years earlier. Enjoy your time in hell, you racist, homophobic asshole. Hopefully someone runs a train on your corpse.

If you're going to mourn for this guy, you'd better mourn for everyone:
"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”
"God has removed it's veil of protection from America in no small part, because of the feminists and the gays"
"“The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country”
“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

In other news: hell just got a little fatter.

Why do the good always die so young?

Tonight I shall go to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club in his remembrance.

If hell actually existed, he would truly be rotting in it. Luckily for him it doesn't.

Jerry Falwell finally did something for the people!!!

I just hope he stays dead.

73 years too late.

That's probably enough for now.