New Fad: Idiocy!

Posted by Johnny at 4:15 p.m.

Since 1998 [source], fathers and daughters have been having galas dedicated to "celebrat[ing] the father-daughter relationship" in the mid- and south-western US. They call them "Purity Balls" because the daughters pledge pre-marital chastity to ease their worried fathers' minds.

To me, this is just as creepy as incest and probably worse for society because it's creating taboos instead of breaking them. The Good Christian Father™ wants to control his Precious Little Angel™ and prevent her from the Dangers of Sex™ until he can transfer ownership of her to Some Lucky Guy™ who will whisk her away to his heavenly kingdom and fuck her in the missionary position once per year for five years for the sole purpose of procreation (please, God, give them boys!).

Although sex does require a certain level of maturity, both for emotional stability and physical security, this is exactly the wrong way to go about protecting your children from the actual dangers of sex. You see, sex education requires education about sex in order to succeed.

The popularity of the balls in the United States, especially among evangelical Christians, mirrors the Bush administration's support of abstinence education in US schools. The government's funding for such initiatives has more than doubled in recent years to 206 million dollars.

Abstinence education is not the same as sexual education. Telling people not to have sex winds up cultivating a thick taboo around the act, making it even more irresistible to daddy's Precious Little Whore and Some Unlucky Guy, neither of whom has the knowledge required for practising safe sex. You may say, "Johnny, what you say makes sense, but you're just hypothesizing!" Au contraire, mon cherie:

One study conducted by researchers at the universities of Columbia and Yale found that 88 percent of pledgers wind up having sex before marriage.

"Unfortunately these young people tend, once they start to have sex, to have more partners in a shorter period of time and to use contraception much less than their non-pledging peers," said Debra Hauser, executive vice president at Advocates for Youth, a Washington-based non-profit organization.

Ha! Evidence!

So, if 88 percent of people who have pledged not to have sex before marriage are going to break that pledge, what's the point? You might as well teach them about STDs, STIs, condoms, birth control, pregnancy, pap tests, hygiene, etc. so that they don't start popping out Little Whores and Unlucky Guys of their own and spreading the Clap around the Baptist Youth Choir. The other 12 percent were either too ugly or too asexual to begin with, so they probably didn't need the abstinence education.

In conclusion, allow me to present the worst corporate logo ever:

PS: NEW POST. Jesus Christ, people.

New Mission

Posted by Johnny at 4:18 p.m.

Text from this article:

If astronauts have had space sex, it would have been very difficult. First off, there isn't much privacy up there. A regular shuttle is about as big as a 737, and the two main areas—the crew cabin and middeck—are each the size of a small office. The bathroom is little more than a seat with a curtain, and there aren't any closed rooms where two people could retreat. The space station, on the other hand, has a little more room to operate. The three-person crew generally splits up for sleeping time: Two of them bed down in a pair of tiny crew cabins at one end of the station, and the third might jump in a sleeping bag at the other end, almost 200 feet away. (The panel-and-strap design of a space bed might not be that conducive to lovemaking.)

To summarize: has anyone had sex in space? Probably not.

People, this is a problem that needs to be remedied. How will we colonize new planets once we destroy ours if we haven't figured out if we can have sex in space? I mean, we can't travel at the speed of light (yet), so we'd have to send fleets of people whose future generations, conceived and birthed in space, will eventually make it to a new home. Clearly, the fate of our species rests upon the ability to conceive children in space, and if we don't find this out before it's too late, we might be gambling with humanity.

It was a tough decision, but I am willing to offer myself as a test subject for what might be the most important experiment of our lives. NASA, if you're listening, I am willing to become an astronaut to test whether space sex is possible. I realize that it will be dangerous, but it's for the good of humanity.

Of course, there's no point in me going up there alone; we'd need at least one human female to accompany me. Any volunteers?

Counter-protest

Posted by Johnny at 8:36 a.m.

I wonder what the "U" refers to in the old guy's sign. Judging from the syntax, it is probably a plural pronoun; it might also be poor grammar in that he omitted the "s" from "needs." Whatever this enigmatic "U" represents, I doubt it/they really needs/need Jesus that much.

(And what's with the dude in the pink shirt and plaid shorts? I thought all gay people were fashion conscious. Well, it looks like that stereotype was shot down in flames.)

A Guide to Self-Control (ie: Shame)

Posted by Johnny at 10:14 p.m.

This is amazing. Someone found this Mormon guide to break off a masturbation habit and posted it on the Internet. I love it. I will quote the best lines and offer sarcastic remarks. The original guide can be found here.

A Guide to Self-Control

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

Ok, first 3 are done. I now have exactly 0 friends. But wait, I'm supposed to avoid being alone. Huh? How does this work again?

5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

So I need to buy a straight jacket. That will come in handy when I go crazy in 2 days.

7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act."

That's some sage advice. "Kids, when you have a problem, IGNORE IT! It will surely go away, especially if it isn't a problem to begin with."

8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

Well, they got one thing right. Reading the Bible does NOT make me horny in any way. Well, unless we're talking about Genesis with Adam & Eve and all that... that's some kinky shit.

9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!

What's masturbation? I know not of what you speak. IT DOES NOT EXIST! God, I'm horny.

Suggestions [for Quitting]

11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

Mmm, nothing gets me more flaccid than a tub of worms. Unless there was a girl in there with me... that would be pretty hot. Wait, damn!

13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

I always find that I'm most tempted when lying in bed, having to piss after eating way too much Ketchup. And then my spandex pyjamas are just so constricting that I begin to think about all the fucking hot Mormon women that I came into contact with that day... I don't stand a chance.

18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Instead of a Book of Mormon, why not try an onion? That should kill your buzz. Or maybe you can bring a cactus to bed. And instead of tying your hands to the bed posts, which might be too kinky for you, why not just cut off your hands. Or better yet, cut off your penis or clitoris. That should solve all your problems and turn you into a happy, industrious Mormon who only consumes and reproduces - wait, you can't reproduce without a penis. DAMN!

Ah, humanity...

Posted by Johnny at 10:30 a.m.

Is this real? I highly doubt it, but it's damn funny.

The screenshot of the original source material is here, but I have painstakingly typed it out for your proper enjoyment.

This is entitled Burnt Cooter.

ok this is what happening,

my parents are out with family friends, and they'll be back any minute so i need your help

Heres some background:

see, i volunteer on my sisters softball team (i'm 22, the girls are 15)

and whatever yea i met this girl, her name is Alison, and we were going out for a while. We have alot in common, sometimes I help her with homework. I helped her on this english essay and she still got a D. This is because the teacher is a prick ...anywayz

So she came over like an hour ago, and i really want to lose my virginity, so i ask her to have sex

"no, no i cant, its not right" she said, but i told her "don't worry i know what im doing, ill be done in like 10 seconds, pluss ill give you 2 n64 games if you say yes"

So I gave her Diddy Kong Racing, and Ken Griffey Jr Baseball, and then she goes to my room. Shes a bit confused and scarred.

Then i think to myself - yo I need lube right? Cuz i heard you guys on the vesti saying you need to lube up her clit otherwise it wont fit in properly.

Ok so i have no lube, but i really want to lose my virginity - so i grab some butter from the fridge, but its cold, it wont melt - so I microwaved it for 8 minutes, and then i put it in a glass and poured it on her cooter, and now shes saying i burned it.

I dont know what to do, my parents are going to be back any minute and shes crying in the bathroom plz help you guyz are relly smrat and please help me.

Any idea how to shut her up? Should i give her another n64 game?

I believe that this is fake for two reasons.

1. I don't know anyone stupid enough to have sex for N64 games
2. I don't know anyone stupid enough to microwave butter for 8 minutes, regardless of where they intend to put it.
   

Church website is now gay porn

Posted by Johnny at 12:03 p.m.

Muahahahaha. This is what happens when you forget to renew your domain name. (From here.)

DOVER -- Hope Community Church is trying to spread the word about its new Web site and disavow its former domain name.

Because of an error, a pornography company bought the church's old domain name unbeknownst to the church. The church's new Web site is www.hopeacc.org.

Pastor Steve Spearing said Friday the mix-up happened a few weeks ago when the church changed Internet service providers. Spearing said he believed the church could keep its Web site name, which contained the words "life" and "Christ."

But the old service provider put the address up for sale and it was bought by a pornographic Web site.

Spearing said he didn't realize the site had been sold until he got a call from a Massachusetts woman who was interested in moving to the area and was doing research on the Internet about local churches.

"She asked what kind of a church we were and then she said, 'Do you know that your Web site is connected to a porn site,' and I said 'No, ma'am,'" Spearing said.

He said he was aghast, especially because the church had just handed out fliers with the old Web site name at Dover's Apple Harvest Day.

The church has spent the last few weeks trying to figure out how this happened, he said, and recently received a letter from the Internet service provider admitting it made a mistake by selling the domain name.

"They said we could buy it back, but we don't want it back," Spearing said.

He said the Internet company told him pornographic sites often like to buy Web addresses once used by churches.

"They will target ministries as an embarrassment, and they did a good job," he said.

Although the Internet snafu was troubling, Spearing was able to have some sense of humor about it.

"It will be interesting to see who shows up to church now," he said.

If anyone is interested in the old web address it is http://www.life-in-christ.net. I'm not posting that as a link because I just know that someone (Reid) will fail to read the article and click the link without thinking while his parents are in the room.

Broken Laws

Posted by Johnny at 3:33 p.m.

Here's an example of stupidity in the US with respect to laws [original article]:

ATLANTA (AP) — The Georgia Supreme Court has turned down an appeal from a teen who was sentenced to 10 years in prison for having sex with a 15-year-old.

In a ruling released Friday, the court denied a motion for reconsideration filed by lawyers for Genarlow Wilson, who was 17 when he and the 15-year-old engaged in consensual oral sex. He was sentenced for aggravated child molestation.

Wilson’s case was one of two cases that were cited earlier this year when lawmakers passed a law that otherwise strengthened penalties for sex offenders, but reduced the penalty from a felony to a misdemeanor for some teenagers convicted of sodomy.

Presiding Justice Carol Hunstein noted that in easing the penalties for teens, ‘‘the Legislature expressly chose not to allow the provisions of the new amendments to affect persons convicted under the previous version of the statute.’’

Hunstein added she was ‘‘very sympathetic to Wilson’s argument regarding the injustice of sentencing this promising young man with good grades and no criminal history to 10 years in prison without parole and a lifetime registration as a sexual offender because he engaged in consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old victim only two years his junior,’’ but said the court was bound the by limits set by the Legislature.

10 YEARS?!? That's outrageous. Another thing that's outrageous is that people can be convicted of sodomy in some US states (sodomy is basically any non-coital sex, in case you were wondering). Welcome back to the middle ages.