Confession

Posted by Johnny at 10:33 a.m.

[from digg]

Overheard in New York

Posted by Johnny at 1:22 p.m.

[from here]

Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?

Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.

Teen girl: I'm not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit... One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god... seriously?

Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I'm just like that too. But really it's because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It's the only reason why I say nice things to other people.

Drunk ponytailed guy: So, like what's our situation?
Girl: Ummm, what do you mean?
Drunk ponytailed guy: Like do you ... want me to come up?
Girl: What part of your ponytail makes you think I'd go home with you tonight?

God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won't be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!
Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.

Random letters and quotes

Posted by Johnny at 9:28 a.m.

from xkcd

Johnny: "And this is why love sucks - it directs all of your blood away from your brain and into your heart and genitalia."

Reid: "Well, all of your blood passes through your heart regardless."

Johnny: "Right."

High School Papers, or Peter Nguyen is my God

Posted by Johnny at 12:20 p.m.

If I could go back to high school and care even less than I did at the time, I would write shit like this for every assignment.
Thank you, Jimmy McPerson, and touché, teacher.

Damn you, Walt Whitman!