I'm no longer drunk in Vancouver

Posted by Johnny at 2:43 a.m.

I am writing this on the plane home to Calgary, although I posted this when I got home (I presume).

First of all, the wedding: it was a blast. The couple got married in the Botanical Gardens, which is quite beautiful (pics to follow at a later date). They got married by a Justice of the Peace, so there weren't any long prayers or anything, which was good because we were all standing outside.

After the 6pm ceremony was the reception at which I became nice and intoxicated. I think the only person who danced more than me was my cousin Carol, the groom's mother, but I was holding back and drinking too much water.

I didn't get laid, unfortunately, so there won't be any interesting pictures. Oh well, next time... right. There also won't be any pictures of the absolutely beautiful naked woman I saw on the beach today. Those pictures will only exist in my mind until porn inevitably erases it.

Now, what is a weekend without a mishap and interesting story? First of all, the mishap: we understood that our flight home to Calgary left at 10:20 pm Vancouver time and arrived in Calgary around 12:30 am. When we got to the Vancouver air port, our reference number didn't seem to exist in the system, so we talked to the oxymoronic "Self-service Assistants". They graciously pointed out that the flight we were trying to catch had already landed in Calgary at 10:20 pm, Calgary time. Oops. We missed our flight, so we had to pay $300 to rebook on the 10:45 flight out of Vancouver. I plan to get to sleep around 3:00 am.

Now for the interesting story: I got hit on this weekend. Ok, maybe that isn't so interesting - it doesn't happen very often, but it has happened before (honest). Now, I'm pretty sure the next sentence I type has not been uttered ever before in the history of the world.

I got hit on by a beat-boxing quadriplegic high school girl with a broken shoulder in a hotel elevator.

Yes, every single word of that sentence is true. Her brother was pushing her wheelchair and she was telling me how she is the bread winner in the family because of her beat-boxing skills, over which her brother freestyles (he didn't say anything, so I can only assume it was true). She proceeded to tell me her life story in 30 seconds, which included breaking her spine, being told twice that she was going to die and both times surviving. I think I said, "wow", completely at a loss of words.

She was eyeing me up during the entire elevator ride and on the way out said, "See you later handsome. Say 'hi' to your girl for me." I didn't have time to explain that I didn't have a 'girl' to say hi to, but I took the compliment anyway. I was too dumbfounded to say anything back to her, so I just waved and smiled a goofy smile.

I love people, and I love Vancouver. I see it in my future again sometime soon, especially if I am promised more nudity on public beaches.

I'm Drunk in Vancouver

Posted by Johnny at 2:52 a.m.

First of all, sorry if this is misspelled or incoherent.

I am drunk in Vancouver off of booze that I didn't pay for, and I'm blogging about it in my personal hotel room. This is the life.

Here's what I've learned so far:

1. Vancouver is a beautiful city. The ocean and the various bays and inlets are amazing to see so ingrained in a city. I'd love to have seaside property here - that is, until the big earthquake hits and the city submerges.
2. Vancouver is a beautiful city. The women seem more gorgeous than in Calgary, if that's possible (which it definitely is). I was so tempted to hand out my spare hotel key to the waitresses who work at my cousin's bar, but they are far and beyond out of my league. There was this one girl from Montreal.... God Damn.
3. The paternal side of my mom's family parties just as hard as the maternal side. The younger ones would have fit right in at the Rubiks party and I would have had them bring their Montreal girls too.... mmmm.

I doubt I'll learn much more this weekend, but if I get laid, I'll be sure to post about it (sorry, no pics - I don't own a camera). Next weekend in Edmonton, on the other hand, could have some decent photographic evidence.

World is going to end on Sept. 12 (apparently). Hahaha.

Posted by Johnny at 3:07 p.m.

I can only assume that this idiot who posted the video moderates the comments himself and thus will not post mine. In that case, I have provided my comment below:

If the world is going to end, it won't be because of nuclear war. It will be because of blind faith and violent devotion to obsolete and conflicting dogmata.

Don't believe anything you read without questioning it, including this.

Lullaby... of Rock!

Posted by Johnny at 1:45 p.m.

Until now, I was somewhat undecided on the whole "should I have kids" thing. But this seals the deal.

This site sells albums filled with lullaby covers of all your favourite rock groups. Notably, this includes Led Zeppelin, Tool, Metallica, Nirvana, The Beatles, Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, and yes, even Pink Floyd.

My biggest fear about having children is that I will become a mindless zombie who only listens to whatever shitty music they enjoy. These albums would be perfect for making sure my kids are exposed to good music in their highly volatile developmental stages and for making sure I don't go insane. It's win-win.

Liquids on a motherfucking plane!

Posted by Johnny at 11:13 p.m.

Did anyone else find it strange that after preventing potentially "explosive" liquids from being taken on a plane, they started dumping them into giant garbage bins? This didn't make a ton of sense to me, especially if the liquids were so dangerous as they were saying. What if someone dropped their iPod into the bin and the whole thing blew up? Did you think of that, idiots?!

The terrorists were a year away from executing their plan, anyways. Some of them didn't even have passports. The UK government only swarmed them due to pressure from the US <insert citation here>, which has now created more terror and pointless restrictions on carry-on luggage.

By publicizing this supposed "win" against the terrorists, the two governments have in turn done the terrorists' jobs for them by inconveniencing people and inciting terror in the stupid.

I'm going to say what has been said in many blogs before me. The US government is the #1 terrorist organization in the world. I would imagine they've killed as many or more people than the other extremists they're fighting, and they are incredibly adept at inspiring fear in the naive members of their own society. Many of the terrorized hold great power in the government, so it becomes a viscious circle.

<conspiracy garbage>
Or maybe, the govermnent is doing this all on purpose in order to gradually gain complete control over their people. Before you know it, GW Bush will be up for re-election on his 5th term as High Chancellor of the United States of Godsland. Fear him.
</conspiracy garbage>

Thing I learned tonight

Posted by Johnny at 12:08 a.m.

• Regrets are not for me (or you).
  
• A tear shed in the present is worth two in the future.
  
• Time heals nothing, but the mind can choose what to remember.
  
• Maria Ozawa is a goddess (ok, that's not as deep as the others, but it's true).
• It takes ~5 complete spins for me to fall in love with any Mars Volta or any Mike Patton release. However, the Volta will probably never top Deloused in the Comatorium (in my books, at least), whereas Patton has the insanity/genius to top Mr. Bungle's California.