I'm no longer drunk in Vancouver

Posted by Johnny at 2:43 a.m.

I am writing this on the plane home to Calgary, although I posted this when I got home (I presume).

First of all, the wedding: it was a blast. The couple got married in the Botanical Gardens, which is quite beautiful (pics to follow at a later date). They got married by a Justice of the Peace, so there weren't any long prayers or anything, which was good because we were all standing outside.

After the 6pm ceremony was the reception at which I became nice and intoxicated. I think the only person who danced more than me was my cousin Carol, the groom's mother, but I was holding back and drinking too much water.

I didn't get laid, unfortunately, so there won't be any interesting pictures. Oh well, next time... right. There also won't be any pictures of the absolutely beautiful naked woman I saw on the beach today. Those pictures will only exist in my mind until porn inevitably erases it.

Now, what is a weekend without a mishap and interesting story? First of all, the mishap: we understood that our flight home to Calgary left at 10:20 pm Vancouver time and arrived in Calgary around 12:30 am. When we got to the Vancouver air port, our reference number didn't seem to exist in the system, so we talked to the oxymoronic "Self-service Assistants". They graciously pointed out that the flight we were trying to catch had already landed in Calgary at 10:20 pm, Calgary time. Oops. We missed our flight, so we had to pay $300 to rebook on the 10:45 flight out of Vancouver. I plan to get to sleep around 3:00 am.

Now for the interesting story: I got hit on this weekend. Ok, maybe that isn't so interesting - it doesn't happen very often, but it has happened before (honest). Now, I'm pretty sure the next sentence I type has not been uttered ever before in the history of the world.

I got hit on by a beat-boxing quadriplegic high school girl with a broken shoulder in a hotel elevator.

Yes, every single word of that sentence is true. Her brother was pushing her wheelchair and she was telling me how she is the bread winner in the family because of her beat-boxing skills, over which her brother freestyles (he didn't say anything, so I can only assume it was true). She proceeded to tell me her life story in 30 seconds, which included breaking her spine, being told twice that she was going to die and both times surviving. I think I said, "wow", completely at a loss of words.

She was eyeing me up during the entire elevator ride and on the way out said, "See you later handsome. Say 'hi' to your girl for me." I didn't have time to explain that I didn't have a 'girl' to say hi to, but I took the compliment anyway. I was too dumbfounded to say anything back to her, so I just waved and smiled a goofy smile.

I love people, and I love Vancouver. I see it in my future again sometime soon, especially if I am promised more nudity on public beaches.