Born to Fist

Posted by Johnny at 4:31 p.m.

Haha... hahahaha... haha... hahahahahahahahaha.

I think something got lost in translation there.

Confession

Posted by Johnny at 10:33 a.m.

[from digg]

Overheard in New York

Posted by Johnny at 1:22 p.m.

[from here]

Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?

Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.

Teen girl: I'm not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit... One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god... seriously?

Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I'm just like that too. But really it's because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It's the only reason why I say nice things to other people.

Drunk ponytailed guy: So, like what's our situation?
Girl: Ummm, what do you mean?
Drunk ponytailed guy: Like do you ... want me to come up?
Girl: What part of your ponytail makes you think I'd go home with you tonight?

God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won't be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!
Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.

High School Papers, or Peter Nguyen is my God

Posted by Johnny at 12:20 p.m.

If I could go back to high school and care even less than I did at the time, I would write shit like this for every assignment.
Thank you, Jimmy McPerson, and touché, teacher.

Damn you, Walt Whitman!

Venn Bliss

Posted by Johnny at 9:06 a.m.

Update:
There are more spelling mistakes in this letter that weren't highlighted. 10 points if you can find them all.

Update 2:
Someone at work dropped the lid from a fruit cup into a toilet. This raises two questions:

1. Who the fuck eats and shits at the same time?
   
2. Do you really need to be running at peak efficiency all day?

Bathroom Graffiti

Posted by Johnny at 11:12 a.m.

Scooter Libby & Losers

Posted by Johnny at 9:42 a.m.

Whether or not Bubba is Scooter's cell mate, whoever has that bank account is a genius.

Also, the following people are losers: Anyone who refers to Rod Stewart as "Rockin' Rod". That is all.

Subtle Line from The Office

Posted by Johnny at 9:45 a.m.

Jan and Michael are at a party, hosted by Jan's boss (Jan is Michael's boss). The two have just made their relationship public. Michael is making an ass of himself, which, surprisingly, turns Jan on so much that she drags him into the washroom for sex.

Michael, reluctant to have sex in a washroom, says, upon entering:

"Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."

Brilliant.

Other highlights:
"And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."

"I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence, I want the ketchup fights, and the tickling, and the giggling."

(Jan) "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh God, what am I saying?!"

Quote of the Day

Posted by Johnny at 10:21 a.m.

"Do you recognize a difference between a dollar and a cent?"

"Of course."

"Do you recognize a difference between half a dollar and half a cent?"

"Yes."

"Ok, therefore, do you recognize a difference between .002 dollars and .002 cents?"

"...No. There's no such thing as .002 dollars!"

Yes, this is old, but you can hear the full transcript here, and check out the blog of the incident here.