Blogging is Dead. This site is obsolete.

Posted by Johnny at 2:55 p.m.

I hearby declare blogging (and blagging) officially deceased. Technically, it died at the exact moment one of my super non-technical friends, who shall remain nameless, registered his blogger account, which caused me to have apocalyptic flashes... but we'll just say it died today (August 8, 2007).

You might ask, "so what about social networks?"

Let me answer that question with another question: fuck you. Social networks are the digital equivalent of the Popular Club in junior high, except that there's no way to filter out the ugly people because it's all anonymous. Therefore, popularity is purely quantitative and is directly proportional to the amount of time you waste trying to be popular, and you become a big douchebag in the process. In conclusion, social networks should have been aborted before the first trimester and are therefore dead.

"So if social networking is out, then what's the Next Big Thing™, Johnny? Is it twitter? It's twitter isn't it?"

Fuck no. Twitter is going the way of the hamster dance. Who gives a fuck about what you're thinking at this exact instance, anyway? "Craving nacho cheese." "Fantasizing about Harry Potter." "Yay, knitting tonight!" BORING. Shoot me in the face.

"You're an ass, just tell me."

FINE. The next big thing is... prepare yourself... continuously streaming vital signs monitored via a discreet anal probe. Think of it as the vital signs twitter, or Vitter™.

Basically, you have a wi-fi enabled anal probe that monitors your vital signs, such as heart rate, blood pressure, temperature, glucose levels, etc. and streams these to a central repository so your friends can keep track of you. You can subscribe to feeds via RSS and even view daily summaries with graphs and charts, etc. Of course, your friends can comment on trends (e.g. "Wow, that must have been a spicy vindaloo at lunch", or "dude, you forgot to take your insulin").

One thing Kevin pointed out to me in the idea phase is that he won't be able to stalk people if he gives up on social networks. I pointed him to Vitter. Here's our conversation:

Kevin: but...where will i stalk people now?
Johnny: you can stalk people through vitter
Johnny: "ooh, she seems healthy"

So you can see, this opens up a whole new avenue for Internet creepiness. "Mmm, I like my girls at 38 degrees." Guys like Reid would enjoy it.

So does the introduction of Vitter mean this blog is going to disappear? Probably not, because it's hard to convey brilliant ideas, like Vitter, by raising your cholesterol. One day, though... one day.