Jerry Fallwell Died

Posted by Johnny at 1:04 p.m.

When I had time to rant about things (my young, idealistic days), I would often jump at the shit spewed forth by right wing Christian leaders such as Pat "Motherfucker" Robertson and Jerry Fallwell. Now that I'm a little older and a little wiser, I'm not going to rant about Fallwell on his death - I'm going to leave that to the digg community and post the best responses here. I hope you enjoy it.

I hate to say this but I'm Conservative and he scared me

It's wrong to speak ill of the dead.
So I have little to say.
I suppose the world is a better place now than it was.

I hope it's not too hot where he's at right now.
Oh wait. I do.
Good riddance you fucking whore. I hope you're burning in a place you've feared in your life.

Fuck Jerry Falwell, too bad he didn't die years earlier. Enjoy your time in hell, you racist, homophobic asshole. Hopefully someone runs a train on your corpse.

If you're going to mourn for this guy, you'd better mourn for everyone:
"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”
"God has removed it's veil of protection from America in no small part, because of the feminists and the gays"
"“The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country”
“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

In other news: hell just got a little fatter.

Why do the good always die so young?

Tonight I shall go to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club in his remembrance.

If hell actually existed, he would truly be rotting in it. Luckily for him it doesn't.

Jerry Falwell finally did something for the people!!!

I just hope he stays dead.

73 years too late.

That's probably enough for now.

Cacti

Posted by Johnny at 2:16 p.m.

I'm not sure how much of this was written with serious intentions and how much is graffiti, but here is the conservapedia article on the cactus. (Conservapedia was set up to counter the apparently liberal bias inherent in Wikipedia. But what they mistook as a liberal bias is actually the use of "science" and "facts".)

The secularist view of the Cactaceae is that they are roughly two million years old, and that they have evolved exclusively in the new world. This view fails to explain, however, how it is that the Opuntia genus is native to the island of Opus, near Greece. Cacti are known for their high content of alkaloids, and have often been used in the sacramental rights of the Native Americans. Because of this, the early Catholic missionaries in the west thought the plants to be the work of Satan, and this is perhaps a preferable view to that of materialistic evolution since it is difficult to imagine how something like mescaline could have evolved by natural selection. Besides that, the psychoactive content of many cacti have inspired the writings of such ungodly men as Aldous Huxley and Albert Hoffman.

Several species of cactus are now endangered in the west due to "poaching" by collectors and invasive species. But, since Genesis suggests that man has been given dominion over all of the earth, the environmentalist concerns on this note are entirely inappropriate. It may also be that environmentalists, in addition to flauting the Word of God, are merely concerned about the effects that declining cactus populations will have on their supply of mescaline.

Award Acceptance - God = Good

Posted by Johnny at 12:41 p.m.

The Grammys suck. This year was no different. Here are the reasons that it sucked:

• The Police played "Roxanne". It was the only song they got to play.
  
• Earth, Wind & Fire was the backup band for Ludacris and Mary J. Blige. Backup band? Are you fucking kidding me? Philip Bailey got to sing for 30 seconds max before the other 2 clowns came on stage and he absolutely destroyed them (he's the guy who sang the high stuff in "Fantasy").
• Not enough John Mayer.
• Too much Dixie Chicks.
• The James Brown tribute should have been way longer.
• RHCP played that shitty-ass "hey-oh, this is what I say-oh" song. Write better lyrics! Fucktard.
• James Blunt.

The only redeeming factors were Christina Aguilera and Gnarls Barkley.

But the worst part of the night was easily Mary J. Blige's acceptance speeches. When someone starts off a speech with, "First, I have to thank my father, God, lord Jesus Christ," you know it's going down hill. Why do people insist on attributing their achievements to God? It just cheapens their accomplishments and deems them unworthy of praise. Thank your parents for their superior genes that enabled you to have a marketable talent, or thank yourself for working so hard to achieve your goal. If God existed, he wouldn't give a shit about you and you're worthless Grammy anyways, nor would he care about your lame music. Therefore, be proud of yourself and cut that humble bullshit.

By the way, I changed the channel at the first hint of the words "God," "Jesus," or "Lord." I even jumped at the word "father."

The Train Strikes Back: Crazy Preacher Lady

Posted by Johnny at 8:09 a.m.

I've finally encountered the Filipino lady that Kevin has alluded to; the one who stands on the train and preaches the Word of God™ to no one and everyone. Yes!

At first, I thought it was two people having a loud conversation, but then I realized it was one louder person talking about Jesus and God and junk. Everyone was looking at her funny, snickering, and occasionally someone would burst out laughing at something she said. She would go on unphased and remark about how we were all going to hell, unless we went to our local Christian store and *purchased* a Bible (for the low, low price of $19.95!). At one point I thought she was done, because she said, "praise the lord, amen," but she sure wasn't done.

All along I was making sarcastic remarks to Scott, the people around me, and even her, but she ignored me (bitch). If I was closer to her, I would have started asking her annoying questions, such as if I was going to hell for not believing in the concept of god and if it was worse to be a celibate atheist or a slutty Christian. But before I could ask, she started telling us that she couldn't be a queen in heaven because she was married and therefore a sinner. Too much information! And how can the human race continue if *marital* sex is a sin? I mean, come on woman.

Then this one guy got on the train and he was not at all entertained by this (unlike me). He tried telling her to shut up from afar and someone sitting down told him that they already tried pressing the help button but the train operator wouldn't throw her off. When the big crowd got off at 1st street, he walked over to her and started telling her to shut up and got into some kind of argument. She told him to go to hell and he started swearing and it just got ugly. When I got off the train, I saw her move into the seated area and he was following her.

When he decided to step in, it changed from an annoying, but entertaining conversation-starter into a potential incident - and that isn't cool.

I believe it was Evelyn Beatrice Hall, paraphrasing and explaining Voltaire's beliefs, who said "I disapprove of what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." If I'd gotten 8 hours of sleep last night, I would have remembered this quote and told it to Pissed Off Dude in defence of Crazy Preacher Lady. No one on that train wanted to hear anything that she had to say, and she was completely out of line by converting the train into Church on Wheels, but free speech still applies. Her sermon was in the poorest taste, but she wasn't assaulting anyone; her words were directed to no one in particular.

When he chose approach her and start telling her to "shut her mouth," that was not only in poor taste, but could have been construed as verbal abuse. She was obviously insane (for so many reasons), so what is harassing her going to accomplish? Yeah you might scare her into staying off of that particular train time for a while, but she'll still go back and try to save all the sinners. There's no stopping her - she's insane and on a mission from "God".

So today, I give out two massive thumbs down: One for Crazy Preacher Lady, who was talking about religion before 8am to a secular audience, and one for Pissed Off Dude, who chose to fight fire with brimstone.

A Guide to Self-Control (ie: Shame)

Posted by Johnny at 10:14 p.m.

This is amazing. Someone found this Mormon guide to break off a masturbation habit and posted it on the Internet. I love it. I will quote the best lines and offer sarcastic remarks. The original guide can be found here.

A Guide to Self-Control

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

Ok, first 3 are done. I now have exactly 0 friends. But wait, I'm supposed to avoid being alone. Huh? How does this work again?

5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

So I need to buy a straight jacket. That will come in handy when I go crazy in 2 days.

7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act."

That's some sage advice. "Kids, when you have a problem, IGNORE IT! It will surely go away, especially if it isn't a problem to begin with."

8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

Well, they got one thing right. Reading the Bible does NOT make me horny in any way. Well, unless we're talking about Genesis with Adam & Eve and all that... that's some kinky shit.

9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!

What's masturbation? I know not of what you speak. IT DOES NOT EXIST! God, I'm horny.

Suggestions [for Quitting]

11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

Mmm, nothing gets me more flaccid than a tub of worms. Unless there was a girl in there with me... that would be pretty hot. Wait, damn!

13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

I always find that I'm most tempted when lying in bed, having to piss after eating way too much Ketchup. And then my spandex pyjamas are just so constricting that I begin to think about all the fucking hot Mormon women that I came into contact with that day... I don't stand a chance.

18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Instead of a Book of Mormon, why not try an onion? That should kill your buzz. Or maybe you can bring a cactus to bed. And instead of tying your hands to the bed posts, which might be too kinky for you, why not just cut off your hands. Or better yet, cut off your penis or clitoris. That should solve all your problems and turn you into a happy, industrious Mormon who only consumes and reproduces - wait, you can't reproduce without a penis. DAMN!

Church website is now gay porn

Posted by Johnny at 12:03 p.m.

Muahahahaha. This is what happens when you forget to renew your domain name. (From here.)

DOVER -- Hope Community Church is trying to spread the word about its new Web site and disavow its former domain name.

Because of an error, a pornography company bought the church's old domain name unbeknownst to the church. The church's new Web site is www.hopeacc.org.

Pastor Steve Spearing said Friday the mix-up happened a few weeks ago when the church changed Internet service providers. Spearing said he believed the church could keep its Web site name, which contained the words "life" and "Christ."

But the old service provider put the address up for sale and it was bought by a pornographic Web site.

Spearing said he didn't realize the site had been sold until he got a call from a Massachusetts woman who was interested in moving to the area and was doing research on the Internet about local churches.

"She asked what kind of a church we were and then she said, 'Do you know that your Web site is connected to a porn site,' and I said 'No, ma'am,'" Spearing said.

He said he was aghast, especially because the church had just handed out fliers with the old Web site name at Dover's Apple Harvest Day.

The church has spent the last few weeks trying to figure out how this happened, he said, and recently received a letter from the Internet service provider admitting it made a mistake by selling the domain name.

"They said we could buy it back, but we don't want it back," Spearing said.

He said the Internet company told him pornographic sites often like to buy Web addresses once used by churches.

"They will target ministries as an embarrassment, and they did a good job," he said.

Although the Internet snafu was troubling, Spearing was able to have some sense of humor about it.

"It will be interesting to see who shows up to church now," he said.

If anyone is interested in the old web address it is http://www.life-in-christ.net. I'm not posting that as a link because I just know that someone (Reid) will fail to read the article and click the link without thinking while his parents are in the room.

Warning Label

Posted by Johnny at 5:43 p.m.

I'll let you guys figure out what this proposed warning label should be for. (Found this on digg, got a chuckle out of it).

WARNING: This a work of fiction. Do NOT TAKE it literally.

CONTENT ADVISORY:
Contains verses descriptive or advocating suicide, incest, bestiality, sadomasochism, sexual activity in a violent context, murder, morbid violence, use of drugs or alcohol, homosexuality, voyeurism, revenge, undermining of authority figures, lawlessness and human rights violations and atrocities.

EXPOSURE WARNING:
Exposure to contents for extended periods of time or during formative years in children may cause delusions, hallucinations, decrease cognitive and objective reasoning abilities, and in extreme cases, pathological disorders, hatred, bigotry, violence including but not limited to fanaticism, murder and genocide.” endanger your mental health and life”.

Scott Adams on Atheism

Posted by Johnny at 8:51 a.m.

I'm going to pillage an entire blog post from Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert), describing the recent elevation in status of atheists amongst Christians in the US. He also thinks Bill Gates, an atheist, should run for president. The post is entitled, "Atheists: The New Gays":

Is it my imagination or have the atheists come out of the closet (in the United States) since 9/11?

Prior to 9/11, it would have been career suicide for a public figure to come right out and say God is a fairy tale. Now it’s a feature of popular culture. You can see it on cable of course, in shows such as BullSh*t, Real Time, The Daily Show, and Southpark. But it’s also a feature of network TV. The main character on House is written as the most brilliant human on the planet, and he’s an atheist. The new show 3lbs has a similar character. I can’t remember anything like that ten years ago.

Famous atheist Richard Dawkins’ book The God Delusion is #5 on Amazon.com. Sam Harris is right up there with his books The End of Faith and Letters to a Christian Nation. They aren’t selling in numbers anywhere approaching the top religious books, but they are best sellers. When was the last time two books promoting atheism were best sellers at about the same time?

I think the hidden benefit of Islamic extremism is that it freed the atheists from their closets. The old mindset in the United States was that almost any religion was good, and atheism was bad. But since 9/11, atheism has moved above Islam in the rankings, at least in the minds of Christians and Jews in the United States.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.

I think that in an election cycle or two you will see an atheist business leader emerge as a legitimate candidate for president. And his name will be Bill Gates.

By then, Bill Gates will have done so much good for the world through his charitable works that combined with his business success he’ll appear more qualified than any other candidate. His early bachelor life and some of his business practices will come back to haunt him if he runs, but he can still win with this simple slogan: “Who would you rather have on your side?” He’ll confess to all of his past imperfections and say that presidents are poor choices for role models. He’ll advise you to look to your parents for role models while you let him run the country.

I doubt Bill Gates is considering a run for president right now, largely because it’s so hard to make a difference from that job. His charities will have more impact. But I think he’ll someday realize that the world needs a rational thinker in the top spot and no one else can win.

At least you’d know he wouldn’t be in it for the money or to speed up the Rapture. He has my vote.

Here's a quote I laughed at: "God is still up there," on global warming.

One more thing: http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/