Kristen = Awesome

Posted by Johnny at 11:13 p.m.

This is in response to the only comment left on my last post, which was Kristen demanding that I write a new post.

Proof that Kristen is Awesome
by Johnny

There are people in this world who make you think to yourself, "Wow, he or she is cool." These cool people are, however, few and far between, as most people you meet leave you scratching your head and thinking, "Wow, he or she is a complete idiot." If you unite the cool group with the idiot group and subtract that union from the population of the world, you are left with a very, very small set of people: the Awesome Group. Right now, this group only contains Kristen, and I can prove it.

The proof is actually quite simple. We begin by outlining our basic assumptions. First, we assume that the three groups previously described (cool, idiot, and Awesome) are mutually exclusive. That is to say, a person Johnny cannot be both cool and an idiot, nor can he be cool and Awesome, etc. He definitely can't be all three. You might argue that being Awesome implies that you are cool, but this is not the case. Awesome is so far above cool that if you were to call an Awesome person cool, it would (and should) be taken with great insult.

So we've established that the three groups are mutually exclusive. This is lemma 1. Our second assumption is that no person can belong to a group that doesn't exist, and therefore can only belong to one of the three groups. This is lemma 2. These two lemmas are all we need to prove that Kristen is Awesome.

On to the proof. We will do this in two ways, the first being contradiction. Let's first assume that Kristen is not awesome. By lemma 1, this means that Kristen is either cool or an idiot. Since she is the inventor of the Sexy Kangaroo costume, however, she is neither cool nor an idiot, which contradicts lemma 1. And by lemma 2, she can only belong to one of the three groups, and therefore must be Awesome. QED.

If that wasn't convincing enough, our final proof will be a straight proof and will be simpler than the previous one. For this we must consider her review of the Great Gatsby. In the review, she described how she missed the point of the story and thought it was going to be deep. She also said, "I'm probably going to get some comment from someone explaining to me why I am a complete idiot...," however, no one commented to explain why she was an idiot and thus is not an idiot. The fact that she actually read a book proves that she is also not cool. Therefore, by lemma 1 and lemma 2, she is not cool, nor an idiot and must be Awesome. QED.

I have a bonus proof to offer, which is another straight proof. As I write this proof, Kristen is staying up, waiting for me to publish the post. This establishes that she is not cool, because she is staying up late, waiting for me to publish a lame blog post. But it also proves that she is not an idiot, because anyone who reads my blog cannot be an idiot (this is lemma 3, or something.. who cares). By lemmas 1, 2, and 3(ish), we conclude that Kristen is therefore Awesome since she is not cool nor an idiot. QED.

These proofs, as contrived and unmathematical as they were, were oversimplified and somewhat trite. If you really want proof of the Awesome that is Kristen, you should hang out with us while we invent something Awesome, like electric bowling, or the genetically engineered Dove-Owl crossbreed (the Dowl). Or, perhaps the best proof lies in Kristen's standard response to a question about her motives: "Because I'm Awesome." QED.