Let's hope that I'm wrong

Posted by Johnny at 8:43 a.m.

In case you live under a rock or are stranded on a tropical island in the Pacific, I feel I should inform you that the 2006 US midterm elections are today. The entire world is watching and crossing their fingers for the Democrats to take back the House and the Senate, but the Republicans won't let go without a fight. I should also inform you that the first couple paragraphs of this post will be a rant, followed by some predictions.

Commence the rant.

This has been a bad year for the Republicans, namely because most of them are complete idiots with ethical and moral values that predate the enlightenment. Just go and watch Borat to see how actual Republican voters think, if you can call it thinking. Don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to an opinion, and I'm certainly not one to rule out economic conservatism, but this is 2006. We don't need to make gay people the new black people - they deserve the same rights and freedoms as straight people, such as marriage. We also don't need to dispose of 500,000 frozen embryos because some Christians believe it will make Jesus cry. You know what might make Jesus actually cry? Not searching for cures to currently incurable diseases and letting millions of real people die.

Since religion keeps trying to slip it into the governmental orifice like a jacked-up frat boy on a passed-out sorority girl, we have to be ever vigilant about who handles our drinks. Ok, that simile was a little over the top, but you get the idea. Even though we aren't Americans, we elected a prime minister who could be the Milhouse to America's Bart. I realize that Canada was mad at the Liberals for scandalously spending money to keep Quebec a part of our wonderful country, but did we really need to do a complete 180? I suppose in Canadian terms, 180 is more like an 18, but it's still a big change. I would be more pissed off about Harper being in office, but I just don't care that much. He'll do something to screw it up, then Eastern Canada will get its brain back and vote in somebody more moderate who wasn't involved in any scandals or any previous Liberal administrations (Michael Ignatieff, anyone?).

Thus concludes the rant.

Speaking of voting, as I mentioned previously, the midterm elections in the US are tonight and the Republicans could cheat in many ways to retain their control. Here are just a few of them:

• The National Republican Congressional Committee could pay to annoy the shit out of potential Democrats by repeatedly robo-calling their houses with messages that appear to be from their local Democratic candidates.
• Black Republican candidates could send flyers around that falsely label them as Democrats in order to trick the less-informed into voting Republican.
• The Republicans could exploit (or possibly even rig) the needlessly complicated and terribly buggy electronic voting machines that falsely register Democratic votes as Republican votes.
• Republicans could capitalize on John Kerry's idiotic attempt at a joke and make it sound like he, a decorated veteran, has contempt for US troops. John, why did you have to speak?
• Giving a nod to Sideshow Bob, the Republicans could capitalize on the "dead vote." Note that this is the only item on the list that they probably haven't done yet, since Republicans are incapable of experiencing fun and thus don't watch old episodes of The Simpsons.
  

With all the methods I've listed (and especially those tucked inside Karl Rove's horn-covered head), I don't see any way the Democrats stand a chance. Actually, I firmly believe the Dems are going to lose, but it won't be due to the fraud that will undoubtedly take place.

I think they are going to lose because > 50% of Americans still live in the 1800s.

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