Some random thoughts on love

Posted by Johnny at 1:37 a.m.

(This is in response to Sara's post: at least my pants still fit)

I seem to recall the term "serial monogamy," which is essentially what harvest was describing: a maximum of one partner (love/sexual) at any given time. I think religious and cultural influences (in the West) over thousands of years have shaped our nurturing to view monogamy as desirable, with the exception of some Mormon communities.

Why is this? Well, I don't know enough about cultural history to formally theorize, but I think jealousy is the key. Right around the time that Bibles and Qurans were being written, men dominated society. These men had power over their wives and they were afraid of losing that power. Thus, adultery became a sin (especially for women) and was brutally enforced, though was obviously not followed by everyone.

This belief of monogamy persisted throughout the value shifts that our society has experienced and is still a pillar of traditional partnerships.

Monogamy is usually tied to sex because sex is easy to define (unless you're Bill Clinton). Love, however, is a much more complex entity - an emotion that has a variety of definitions, dimensions, and types. In the sense that two unrelated people love each other romantically, whether sex is involved or not, this is also usually considered within the realm of monogamy.

In regards to harvest's comment that you cannot love two people in the same way simultaneously, I'm not as convinced. I think it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time for a significant period of time. This usually inspires confusion, however, and it is difficult to keep up the feelings before a choice has to be made. The choice is not for the benefit of the person torn between the two, but for the two others, assuming they both value monogamy.

The reason I believe this is possible is because I have experienced a similar situation for the past couple of years. I was in a monogamous relationship for just under 3 years until recently, but during that time I had overwhelming feelings not only for my partner but for another woman too. I felt very strongly for both of them, but I chose to stay with my partner for reasons that I still can't explain. My relationship with the other woman never progressed to the physical stage and I'm not even sure if she felt the same way about me emotionally, but my feelings for her remained, albiet pushed into the back of my mind.

Now that the relationship I previously chose has ended, I still don't know if the choice I made was right and I probably won't ever know. I don't regret my decision at all, but if I fail to begin the relationship I could have had with the other woman I will be left forever wondering what could have been.

(I seem to have strayed from the topic of monogamy. I'm back now.) Throughout all of this, it was my belief in monogamy that prevented me from actually starting any kind of tangible relationship with the other woman before ending my current relationship. Had I acted differently, the results would have been disaterous for everone involved. That, in my opinion, would have been far worse than the fact that I may be left wondering for the rest of my life.