A Guide to Self-Control (ie: Shame)

Posted by Johnny at 10:14 p.m.

This is amazing. Someone found this Mormon guide to break off a masturbation habit and posted it on the Internet. I love it. I will quote the best lines and offer sarcastic remarks. The original guide can be found here.

A Guide to Self-Control

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

Ok, first 3 are done. I now have exactly 0 friends. But wait, I'm supposed to avoid being alone. Huh? How does this work again?

5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

So I need to buy a straight jacket. That will come in handy when I go crazy in 2 days.

7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act."

That's some sage advice. "Kids, when you have a problem, IGNORE IT! It will surely go away, especially if it isn't a problem to begin with."

8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

Well, they got one thing right. Reading the Bible does NOT make me horny in any way. Well, unless we're talking about Genesis with Adam & Eve and all that... that's some kinky shit.

9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!

What's masturbation? I know not of what you speak. IT DOES NOT EXIST! God, I'm horny.

Suggestions [for Quitting]

11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

Mmm, nothing gets me more flaccid than a tub of worms. Unless there was a girl in there with me... that would be pretty hot. Wait, damn!

13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

I always find that I'm most tempted when lying in bed, having to piss after eating way too much Ketchup. And then my spandex pyjamas are just so constricting that I begin to think about all the fucking hot Mormon women that I came into contact with that day... I don't stand a chance.

18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Instead of a Book of Mormon, why not try an onion? That should kill your buzz. Or maybe you can bring a cactus to bed. And instead of tying your hands to the bed posts, which might be too kinky for you, why not just cut off your hands. Or better yet, cut off your penis or clitoris. That should solve all your problems and turn you into a happy, industrious Mormon who only consumes and reproduces - wait, you can't reproduce without a penis. DAMN!