Blogging is Dead. This site is obsolete.

Posted by Johnny at 2:55 p.m.

I hearby declare blogging (and blagging) officially deceased. Technically, it died at the exact moment one of my super non-technical friends, who shall remain nameless, registered his blogger account, which caused me to have apocalyptic flashes... but we'll just say it died today (August 8, 2007).

You might ask, "so what about social networks?"

Let me answer that question with another question: fuck you. Social networks are the digital equivalent of the Popular Club in junior high, except that there's no way to filter out the ugly people because it's all anonymous. Therefore, popularity is purely quantitative and is directly proportional to the amount of time you waste trying to be popular, and you become a big douchebag in the process. In conclusion, social networks should have been aborted before the first trimester and are therefore dead.

"So if social networking is out, then what's the Next Big Thing™, Johnny? Is it twitter? It's twitter isn't it?"

Fuck no. Twitter is going the way of the hamster dance. Who gives a fuck about what you're thinking at this exact instance, anyway? "Craving nacho cheese." "Fantasizing about Harry Potter." "Yay, knitting tonight!" BORING. Shoot me in the face.

"You're an ass, just tell me."

FINE. The next big thing is... prepare yourself... continuously streaming vital signs monitored via a discreet anal probe. Think of it as the vital signs twitter, or Vitter™.

Basically, you have a wi-fi enabled anal probe that monitors your vital signs, such as heart rate, blood pressure, temperature, glucose levels, etc. and streams these to a central repository so your friends can keep track of you. You can subscribe to feeds via RSS and even view daily summaries with graphs and charts, etc. Of course, your friends can comment on trends (e.g. "Wow, that must have been a spicy vindaloo at lunch", or "dude, you forgot to take your insulin").

One thing Kevin pointed out to me in the idea phase is that he won't be able to stalk people if he gives up on social networks. I pointed him to Vitter. Here's our conversation:

Kevin: but...where will i stalk people now?
Johnny: you can stalk people through vitter
Johnny: "ooh, she seems healthy"

So you can see, this opens up a whole new avenue for Internet creepiness. "Mmm, I like my girls at 38 degrees." Guys like Reid would enjoy it.

So does the introduction of Vitter mean this blog is going to disappear? Probably not, because it's hard to convey brilliant ideas, like Vitter, by raising your cholesterol. One day, though... one day.

Born to Fist

Posted by Johnny at 4:31 p.m.

Haha... hahahaha... haha... hahahahahahahahaha.

I think something got lost in translation there.

Freaky Shit

Posted by Johnny at 1:52 p.m.

Here's the first one (from Digg, of course). Looks like the three stooges (Bushy, Rovey, and Dicky) have been reading up on their Goering.



And the second one, also from Digg, is the worlds tallest man shaking hands with the worlds shortest man. Both are from inner Mongolia. The tallest man recently helped save a bunch of dolphins somehow, but I can't remember the details and I'm too lazy to look it up.


PS: Hey, it's Friday the 13th. Cool, I think.

Confession

Posted by Johnny at 10:33 a.m.

[from digg]

Overheard in New York

Posted by Johnny at 1:22 p.m.

[from here]

Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?

Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.

Teen girl: I'm not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit... One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god... seriously?

Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I'm just like that too. But really it's because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It's the only reason why I say nice things to other people.

Drunk ponytailed guy: So, like what's our situation?
Girl: Ummm, what do you mean?
Drunk ponytailed guy: Like do you ... want me to come up?
Girl: What part of your ponytail makes you think I'd go home with you tonight?

God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won't be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!
Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.

Random letters and quotes

Posted by Johnny at 9:28 a.m.

from xkcd

Johnny: "And this is why love sucks - it directs all of your blood away from your brain and into your heart and genitalia."

Reid: "Well, all of your blood passes through your heart regardless."

Johnny: "Right."

High School Papers, or Peter Nguyen is my God

Posted by Johnny at 12:20 p.m.

If I could go back to high school and care even less than I did at the time, I would write shit like this for every assignment.
Thank you, Jimmy McPerson, and touché, teacher.

Damn you, Walt Whitman!

Birthday Calculator

Posted by Johnny at 5:26 p.m.

This is pretty cool. It tells you various stats about your birthday. Apparently, I share a birthday with Ringo Starr.

It also tells you what your life path number is. Mine is 1. From the site:

The Life Path 1 suggests that you entered this plane with skills allowing you to become a leader type rather easily. Your nature is charged with individualistic desires, a demand for independence, and the need for personal attainment. Many of our military generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path 1. When you display positive 1 traits your mind is capable of significant creative inspiration, and it possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. You are very good at getting the ball rolling; initiating new projects is your forte. You are at your best when confronted with obstacles and challenges, as you combat these with strength and daring. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. You have a tendency to do this, even if, at times, it is not appropriate for you to do so.

Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You tire of routine and highly detailed tasks rather quickly.

Dead on.

Perceived Fridayness

Posted by Johnny at 12:42 p.m.

And now to make full use of my "graphs" tag...

Jerry Fallwell Died

Posted by Johnny at 1:04 p.m.

When I had time to rant about things (my young, idealistic days), I would often jump at the shit spewed forth by right wing Christian leaders such as Pat "Motherfucker" Robertson and Jerry Fallwell. Now that I'm a little older and a little wiser, I'm not going to rant about Fallwell on his death - I'm going to leave that to the digg community and post the best responses here. I hope you enjoy it.

I hate to say this but I'm Conservative and he scared me

It's wrong to speak ill of the dead.
So I have little to say.
I suppose the world is a better place now than it was.

I hope it's not too hot where he's at right now.
Oh wait. I do.
Good riddance you fucking whore. I hope you're burning in a place you've feared in your life.

Fuck Jerry Falwell, too bad he didn't die years earlier. Enjoy your time in hell, you racist, homophobic asshole. Hopefully someone runs a train on your corpse.

If you're going to mourn for this guy, you'd better mourn for everyone:
"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”
"God has removed it's veil of protection from America in no small part, because of the feminists and the gays"
"“The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country”
“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

In other news: hell just got a little fatter.

Why do the good always die so young?

Tonight I shall go to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club in his remembrance.

If hell actually existed, he would truly be rotting in it. Luckily for him it doesn't.

Jerry Falwell finally did something for the people!!!

I just hope he stays dead.

73 years too late.

That's probably enough for now.

Venn Bliss

Posted by Johnny at 9:06 a.m.

Update:
There are more spelling mistakes in this letter that weren't highlighted. 10 points if you can find them all.

Update 2:
Someone at work dropped the lid from a fruit cup into a toilet. This raises two questions:

1. Who the fuck eats and shits at the same time?
   
2. Do you really need to be running at peak efficiency all day?

Please shoot me

Posted by Johnny at 4:48 p.m.

No matter how hard I try, I can't dislike the new Avril Lavigne single ("Girlfriend").

I know.

Hooks aplenty, there's a ton to latch onto in this little ditty: the cheerleader chorus, the layered harmonies in the verses, the half-time pre-chorus, etc. The production is great - I'm sure it's compressed like crazy, but the mix is fantastic. The guitars have a nice fluid crunch (I'm aware of the oxymoron), which reminds me of my twangy Strat sound through a high gain setting on my Orange amp. Mmm, delicious. The bass drum is a bit clicky for my taste, but it really drives the verses. The bass is there, doing its job as usual. If vocal pitch correction was used, they probably did it in the background harmonies to tighten things up, but I couldn't really hear any in the lead parts - another plus.

The target audience is clearly the 13-15 year-old female crowd ("she's like, so whatever"), and so the lyrical content is about as complicated and layered as Dude, Where's my Car?, but it's just so appealing to hear Avril say "motherfucking princess" (in the uncensored version, of course). I wouldn't put it in the same league as Norah Jones dropping the MF bomb in her Peeping Tom feature, "Sucker," because that was damn hot/sexy, whereas this is cute/playful.

As far as girl rock/punk/whatever is concerned, I still wouldn't put her in the same league as Katy Rose in terms of songwriting ability, but since most of you are probably saying "who?" to that reference, I think we know who has the better hooks.

The rest of the album is decent, but the 3 ballads feel forced and could have been left out. I highly recommend the uncensored version over the censored one for obvious reasons. After listening to all 40 minutes of it, you might feel like you've lost 30 IQ points and are on your way to developing diabetes, but that might be your thing.

Now to listen to some Shining to balance out my day....

Fate.... or stalking?

Posted by Johnny at 10:55 a.m.

I will summarize this story below:

• Guy dreams up phone number
• Guy sends text message to said number
• Number belongs to girl
• Guy marries girl
  

That was heavily abridged, but you get the gist of it. The couple met because the guy dreamt of her phone number and sent it a text message, thinking he'd met her the night before. He hadn't, but they fell in love and got married.

Seems plausible.... OR DOES IT?

Which of the following scenarios is more likely? 1) I "dream" about a 7 or 10 digit phone number (complete with 10,000,000 or 10,000,000,000 possible numbers), send it a text message, and find out that it belongs to a (presumably) attractive female my age; OR 2) I stalk a girl whom I (presumably) find attractive, find out her phone number, and then contact her by describing scenario 1?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Whatever, it doesn't really matter because they'll be divorced within 2 years.

Bathroom Graffiti

Posted by Johnny at 11:12 a.m.

15 Items or Less

Posted by Reid at 6:54 p.m.

What the fuck is so hard to understand? Did you not learn to count? I see you are wearing the school's sweatpants, so this can indicate one of two things to me: you are a sibling of someone slightly more intelligent or university really is letting everyone in these days. My guess is the latter. I suppose there is one more probable explanation besides you being a complete fucktard. You could be a self-centered cunt.

But what? There is more than one of your kind? Of four express isles at Safeway, how does each one have someone with more than 15 items?

15 is far too many, in my opinion. I think it should be 9. Or, 5 even. Maybe we could have one isle 5, one isle 9, and two isles 15. I think that would make a great compromise between the word "express" and efficiency in terms of use of personnel. I also think that tills at such stations should count how many items there are and when it gets to the limit you are told to either go put back what hasn't been scanned, or take you stuff to another line. That way, we are actually enforcing the rules that have been set out for efficiency.

Now I know, it's a few minutes extra that I stand in line to buy my lettuce and carrots, what's the big deal? Really, it's not the time. It's the emergence of the worst "me" generation in history that chokes me and the lack of respect people have for other people.

A fine example of this is a survey that was conducted in the 50s and then again a few years ago. The study was looking at prestige associated with occupations. People were asked to give a score out of 100 for the prestige of each job listed. Doctor sits at the top of the 50s and the 00s list, while shoe shiner sits at the bottom of both. The interesting part wasn't the position of the jobs that was interesting, but the actual score assigned. In the 1950s, being a doctor was given a score of 97 while shoe shiner was given a score of 84. The 00s had the doctor rated as 88 while the shoe shiner was at 46.

I don't think that the change score that the shoe shiner profession received is all that surprising (I don't even know a shoe shiner these days, but my parents probably know the person from their town that shined shoes). I think the most interesting thing is the fall in the perception of doctors' prestige and the relatively high score of shoe shiners in the 1950s. Why has a scale of prestige dropped so much? Why did people used to think that shining shoes was almost as prestigious of a job as we now find being a doctor, which currently tops the list? I think it's due to a lack of respect for the fellow man (and women).

[side topic quickly: why is it an issue to call general persons "man"? In French, "ils" could mean group of boys or a group of boys or girls. I don't struggle with that concept, nor should I struggle with the word man having dual meaning in context as either a single man or a mixture of man and woman. At no point has "man" ever stood for solely the female gender, just like in the romance languages. "Elles" is specifically a group of all girls. I just don't understand why people get their panties in a knot over it.]

The respect for other people is replaced by egocentric ideas of superiority. Where is one's modesty these days? I know I am preaching to the choir with those few that read this blog, but there are a lot of people that are head-down self-centered fucktards. Take, for example, anyone who wants to get into medicine.

Medicine requires an immense amount of volunteering to get an interview. Often one or two groups isn't enough. Of course, med hopefuls know this and sign up for all sorts of groups and causes. Most of them never put in the time required to make it a success (since they've joined so many). I can think of numerous examples of people that have signed up for more than 10 groups around campus. One particular example is young man currently in medicine at Queens. He had all sorts of volunteering/extracurricular "experience" but the one he was most involved in was the "Triathlon Club". Sure, it's a club, you don't have to do everything. He went once a week to swim. Once a fucking week. Yeah, that's going to show well if/when you race with the club. I am sure they are happy to have you and your lazy ass. This is the same person that told me my guitar sucked because of its backing but it turns out his chord repertoire was limited to G, C, A, and E chords. Considering how much time he spent "practicing" I am sure it went on his med application. Could he play? No better than I can with my feet (no, seriously. I can play a G, E and A with my feet).

What's my point with all this? Here's a person so blinded by their desire to do medicine, that they are letting all sorts of groups down. He has a perception of greatness in everything he does, even if it's not up to much compared to others around him. If anyone asks you about getting into medicine, you can tell them that it's not about being smart, giving, or achievement. It's about fucking as many people in the ass, stomping on as many feelings as you can, and putting yourself as the most important thing.

Why is it such a "me" generation? Well, we come from a time when our parents gave us all sorts of things growing up, we have the internet so we can do what we want when we want, and we are told that we are the most important person. Maybe this could be blamed for that decrease in love these days. People can say they love each other, and I guess it's how you define it. My definition is long, but one of the requirements is selflessness. When in love, you are willing to give up parts of your life to help the other person succeed in theirs. Parents, in the act of loving their children, often give up social events, time, hobbies and money for their children. If a child needs to move somewhere for school, sports, or surgery, the parents will often move the whole family. These days, we are told not to pick up and move for people. We shouldn't "chase" people. We aren't suppose to pick a school based on being closer to someone, we aren't suppose to pick a career path based on wanting to spend time with a single person. We can, but our parents and friends frown upon it. There will always be a "what you could have done" hanging over your head. That's not what life, love and respect are all about.

We should respect people who have found more in their life than just themselves. There are more feelings associated with life than being a high achieving, wealthy, well respected and a powerful member of society, and yet I feel that those are the only things that most people want these days. I've reached a point where I know I probably won't do anything spectacular or influential in my life (even though it'd be cool to do). I'm going to be an average tax payer that probably has a nice little suburban family that enjoys summer time BBQing and a beer in the sunshine. I hope to have a few good friends (and obviously a wife, with the kids and all), and some enjoyable hobbies. I hope I can give up on dreams and be completely happy with my life and the people around me. I hope I can go to the grocery store and not stand in the express isle behind someone with 23 fucking items.

New Fad: Idiocy!

Posted by Johnny at 4:15 p.m.

Since 1998 [source], fathers and daughters have been having galas dedicated to "celebrat[ing] the father-daughter relationship" in the mid- and south-western US. They call them "Purity Balls" because the daughters pledge pre-marital chastity to ease their worried fathers' minds.

To me, this is just as creepy as incest and probably worse for society because it's creating taboos instead of breaking them. The Good Christian Father™ wants to control his Precious Little Angel™ and prevent her from the Dangers of Sex™ until he can transfer ownership of her to Some Lucky Guy™ who will whisk her away to his heavenly kingdom and fuck her in the missionary position once per year for five years for the sole purpose of procreation (please, God, give them boys!).

Although sex does require a certain level of maturity, both for emotional stability and physical security, this is exactly the wrong way to go about protecting your children from the actual dangers of sex. You see, sex education requires education about sex in order to succeed.

The popularity of the balls in the United States, especially among evangelical Christians, mirrors the Bush administration's support of abstinence education in US schools. The government's funding for such initiatives has more than doubled in recent years to 206 million dollars.

Abstinence education is not the same as sexual education. Telling people not to have sex winds up cultivating a thick taboo around the act, making it even more irresistible to daddy's Precious Little Whore and Some Unlucky Guy, neither of whom has the knowledge required for practising safe sex. You may say, "Johnny, what you say makes sense, but you're just hypothesizing!" Au contraire, mon cherie:

One study conducted by researchers at the universities of Columbia and Yale found that 88 percent of pledgers wind up having sex before marriage.

"Unfortunately these young people tend, once they start to have sex, to have more partners in a shorter period of time and to use contraception much less than their non-pledging peers," said Debra Hauser, executive vice president at Advocates for Youth, a Washington-based non-profit organization.

Ha! Evidence!

So, if 88 percent of people who have pledged not to have sex before marriage are going to break that pledge, what's the point? You might as well teach them about STDs, STIs, condoms, birth control, pregnancy, pap tests, hygiene, etc. so that they don't start popping out Little Whores and Unlucky Guys of their own and spreading the Clap around the Baptist Youth Choir. The other 12 percent were either too ugly or too asexual to begin with, so they probably didn't need the abstinence education.

In conclusion, allow me to present the worst corporate logo ever:

PS: NEW POST. Jesus Christ, people.

Scooter Libby & Losers

Posted by Johnny at 9:42 a.m.

Whether or not Bubba is Scooter's cell mate, whoever has that bank account is a genius.

Also, the following people are losers: Anyone who refers to Rod Stewart as "Rockin' Rod". That is all.

Cacti

Posted by Johnny at 2:16 p.m.

I'm not sure how much of this was written with serious intentions and how much is graffiti, but here is the conservapedia article on the cactus. (Conservapedia was set up to counter the apparently liberal bias inherent in Wikipedia. But what they mistook as a liberal bias is actually the use of "science" and "facts".)

The secularist view of the Cactaceae is that they are roughly two million years old, and that they have evolved exclusively in the new world. This view fails to explain, however, how it is that the Opuntia genus is native to the island of Opus, near Greece. Cacti are known for their high content of alkaloids, and have often been used in the sacramental rights of the Native Americans. Because of this, the early Catholic missionaries in the west thought the plants to be the work of Satan, and this is perhaps a preferable view to that of materialistic evolution since it is difficult to imagine how something like mescaline could have evolved by natural selection. Besides that, the psychoactive content of many cacti have inspired the writings of such ungodly men as Aldous Huxley and Albert Hoffman.

Several species of cactus are now endangered in the west due to "poaching" by collectors and invasive species. But, since Genesis suggests that man has been given dominion over all of the earth, the environmentalist concerns on this note are entirely inappropriate. It may also be that environmentalists, in addition to flauting the Word of God, are merely concerned about the effects that declining cactus populations will have on their supply of mescaline.

The Shaggs

Posted by Johnny at 2:43 p.m.

Song: My Pal Foot Foot


Song: Halloween

Subtle Line from The Office

Posted by Johnny at 9:45 a.m.

Jan and Michael are at a party, hosted by Jan's boss (Jan is Michael's boss). The two have just made their relationship public. Michael is making an ass of himself, which, surprisingly, turns Jan on so much that she drags him into the washroom for sex.

Michael, reluctant to have sex in a washroom, says, upon entering:

"Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."

Brilliant.

Other highlights:
"And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage."

"I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence, I want the ketchup fights, and the tickling, and the giggling."

(Jan) "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh God, what am I saying?!"

Two Rants in One

Posted by Johnny at 10:53 a.m.

Tech as a Premise for Movie Plots
Andre and I watched "Man of the Year" last night and the premise was that a glitch in the computerized voting system allowed Tom Dobbs (Robin Williams' Jon Stewart-like character) to win a presidential election in spite of receiving < 20% of the vote. The glitch/bug involved handing the election to the candidate with the lowest alphabetical set of double letters in his last name (bb in Dobbs, gg in Kellogg, and ll in Mills). So in a race between Dobbs, Kellogg, and Mills, Dobbs would be the winner regardless of the actual vote count. (What about the ll in Kellogg?)

If you spend no longer than 1 second thinking about this, it seems reasonable. I spent about 2 seconds, however, and decided that it was incredibly stupid.

First of all, what exactly did this bug cause? Did it register 3 times as many votes for the candidate with the lowest double letters? Did it retain the actual vote count and just display the winner incorrectly? If the latter was true, one would hope that people would be rigorously checking the result logs to verify the reported winner; or even better, that the voting system didn't report a winner at all, leaving that up to statisticians and election officials responsible for interpreting the raw results.

Ok, forget what the bug actually did and focus on the bug itself. On the scale of mission-critical systems, I would rank a voting system slightly lower than air traffic controlling, life support, and traffic lights. For the sake of the developed world, I would hope that such an idiotic bug would NEVER make it into any system on this scale. In fact, this bug is so specific that it would have to be consciously coded into the system by a malicious employee. Not even incompetence could create something like this. And any software company creating a critical system like this who didn't test their system with production-scale data until a week before its release (like they did in the movie) should be put out of business forever, and its high-level managers should be sterilized.

Other than that, the movie wasn't bad - some decent political commentary.

"News"
I don't give a flying fuck about Britney Spears, so why would I want to know that she shaved her head? More importantly, why would I want every single media outlet, including celeb-obsessed friends, telling me how shocked they are that she shaved her head? WHO CARES? Similarly, what more needs to be said about Anna Nicole Smith's death than "she died due to blah, and the paternity of her daughter is in question"? We don't need to spend weeks analyzing the contents of her fridge and passing this off as news.

Celebrity news is not news. The root word of "news" is "new", which implies that for an event to be considered "news", something "new" has to have occurred. Personally, I wouldn't consider celebrities acting like spoiled idiots to be new in any way. Death is news, but it doesn't warrant hijacking front page headlines for weeks. The fact that this garbage dominates the media is further proof that the average person is an idiot and isn't worth my time.

Quote of the Day

Posted by Johnny at 10:21 a.m.

"Do you recognize a difference between a dollar and a cent?"

"Of course."

"Do you recognize a difference between half a dollar and half a cent?"

"Yes."

"Ok, therefore, do you recognize a difference between .002 dollars and .002 cents?"

"...No. There's no such thing as .002 dollars!"

Yes, this is old, but you can hear the full transcript here, and check out the blog of the incident here.

Valentines Day

Posted by Johnny at 9:46 a.m.

Meh.

Award Acceptance - God = Good

Posted by Johnny at 12:41 p.m.

The Grammys suck. This year was no different. Here are the reasons that it sucked:

• The Police played "Roxanne". It was the only song they got to play.
  
• Earth, Wind & Fire was the backup band for Ludacris and Mary J. Blige. Backup band? Are you fucking kidding me? Philip Bailey got to sing for 30 seconds max before the other 2 clowns came on stage and he absolutely destroyed them (he's the guy who sang the high stuff in "Fantasy").
• Not enough John Mayer.
• Too much Dixie Chicks.
• The James Brown tribute should have been way longer.
• RHCP played that shitty-ass "hey-oh, this is what I say-oh" song. Write better lyrics! Fucktard.
• James Blunt.

The only redeeming factors were Christina Aguilera and Gnarls Barkley.

But the worst part of the night was easily Mary J. Blige's acceptance speeches. When someone starts off a speech with, "First, I have to thank my father, God, lord Jesus Christ," you know it's going down hill. Why do people insist on attributing their achievements to God? It just cheapens their accomplishments and deems them unworthy of praise. Thank your parents for their superior genes that enabled you to have a marketable talent, or thank yourself for working so hard to achieve your goal. If God existed, he wouldn't give a shit about you and you're worthless Grammy anyways, nor would he care about your lame music. Therefore, be proud of yourself and cut that humble bullshit.

By the way, I changed the channel at the first hint of the words "God," "Jesus," or "Lord." I even jumped at the word "father."

New Mission

Posted by Johnny at 4:18 p.m.

Text from this article:

If astronauts have had space sex, it would have been very difficult. First off, there isn't much privacy up there. A regular shuttle is about as big as a 737, and the two main areas—the crew cabin and middeck—are each the size of a small office. The bathroom is little more than a seat with a curtain, and there aren't any closed rooms where two people could retreat. The space station, on the other hand, has a little more room to operate. The three-person crew generally splits up for sleeping time: Two of them bed down in a pair of tiny crew cabins at one end of the station, and the third might jump in a sleeping bag at the other end, almost 200 feet away. (The panel-and-strap design of a space bed might not be that conducive to lovemaking.)

To summarize: has anyone had sex in space? Probably not.

People, this is a problem that needs to be remedied. How will we colonize new planets once we destroy ours if we haven't figured out if we can have sex in space? I mean, we can't travel at the speed of light (yet), so we'd have to send fleets of people whose future generations, conceived and birthed in space, will eventually make it to a new home. Clearly, the fate of our species rests upon the ability to conceive children in space, and if we don't find this out before it's too late, we might be gambling with humanity.

It was a tough decision, but I am willing to offer myself as a test subject for what might be the most important experiment of our lives. NASA, if you're listening, I am willing to become an astronaut to test whether space sex is possible. I realize that it will be dangerous, but it's for the good of humanity.

Of course, there's no point in me going up there alone; we'd need at least one human female to accompany me. Any volunteers?

The Only Reason to Watch Football

Posted by Johnny at 9:09 a.m.

The Superbowl halftime show: it usually has a washed-up band doing an unlikely duet with some shitty newcomer (Aerosmith & Britney Spears, anyone?), but this year, they finally did something right and chose Prince.

He put on a pretty sweet show, so if you have 12 minutes to waste, I'd recommend watching. He covers some CCR, Bob Dylan via Hendrix, and some Foo Fighters.

NOTE: I updated this embedded video to not use the YouTube copy. Hopefully this one lasts a bit longer.

"Miami Rain" via virtualmatter
Uploaded by virtualmatter

The Train Strikes Back: Crazy Preacher Lady

Posted by Johnny at 8:09 a.m.

I've finally encountered the Filipino lady that Kevin has alluded to; the one who stands on the train and preaches the Word of God™ to no one and everyone. Yes!

At first, I thought it was two people having a loud conversation, but then I realized it was one louder person talking about Jesus and God and junk. Everyone was looking at her funny, snickering, and occasionally someone would burst out laughing at something she said. She would go on unphased and remark about how we were all going to hell, unless we went to our local Christian store and *purchased* a Bible (for the low, low price of $19.95!). At one point I thought she was done, because she said, "praise the lord, amen," but she sure wasn't done.

All along I was making sarcastic remarks to Scott, the people around me, and even her, but she ignored me (bitch). If I was closer to her, I would have started asking her annoying questions, such as if I was going to hell for not believing in the concept of god and if it was worse to be a celibate atheist or a slutty Christian. But before I could ask, she started telling us that she couldn't be a queen in heaven because she was married and therefore a sinner. Too much information! And how can the human race continue if *marital* sex is a sin? I mean, come on woman.

Then this one guy got on the train and he was not at all entertained by this (unlike me). He tried telling her to shut up from afar and someone sitting down told him that they already tried pressing the help button but the train operator wouldn't throw her off. When the big crowd got off at 1st street, he walked over to her and started telling her to shut up and got into some kind of argument. She told him to go to hell and he started swearing and it just got ugly. When I got off the train, I saw her move into the seated area and he was following her.

When he decided to step in, it changed from an annoying, but entertaining conversation-starter into a potential incident - and that isn't cool.

I believe it was Evelyn Beatrice Hall, paraphrasing and explaining Voltaire's beliefs, who said "I disapprove of what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." If I'd gotten 8 hours of sleep last night, I would have remembered this quote and told it to Pissed Off Dude in defence of Crazy Preacher Lady. No one on that train wanted to hear anything that she had to say, and she was completely out of line by converting the train into Church on Wheels, but free speech still applies. Her sermon was in the poorest taste, but she wasn't assaulting anyone; her words were directed to no one in particular.

When he chose approach her and start telling her to "shut her mouth," that was not only in poor taste, but could have been construed as verbal abuse. She was obviously insane (for so many reasons), so what is harassing her going to accomplish? Yeah you might scare her into staying off of that particular train time for a while, but she'll still go back and try to save all the sinners. There's no stopping her - she's insane and on a mission from "God".

So today, I give out two massive thumbs down: One for Crazy Preacher Lady, who was talking about religion before 8am to a secular audience, and one for Pissed Off Dude, who chose to fight fire with brimstone.

Counter-protest

Posted by Johnny at 8:36 a.m.

I wonder what the "U" refers to in the old guy's sign. Judging from the syntax, it is probably a plural pronoun; it might also be poor grammar in that he omitted the "s" from "needs." Whatever this enigmatic "U" represents, I doubt it/they really needs/need Jesus that much.

(And what's with the dude in the pink shirt and plaid shorts? I thought all gay people were fashion conscious. Well, it looks like that stereotype was shot down in flames.)

A Guide to Self-Control (ie: Shame)

Posted by Johnny at 10:14 p.m.

This is amazing. Someone found this Mormon guide to break off a masturbation habit and posted it on the Internet. I love it. I will quote the best lines and offer sarcastic remarks. The original guide can be found here.

A Guide to Self-Control

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

Ok, first 3 are done. I now have exactly 0 friends. But wait, I'm supposed to avoid being alone. Huh? How does this work again?

5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

So I need to buy a straight jacket. That will come in handy when I go crazy in 2 days.

7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act."

That's some sage advice. "Kids, when you have a problem, IGNORE IT! It will surely go away, especially if it isn't a problem to begin with."

8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

Well, they got one thing right. Reading the Bible does NOT make me horny in any way. Well, unless we're talking about Genesis with Adam & Eve and all that... that's some kinky shit.

9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!

What's masturbation? I know not of what you speak. IT DOES NOT EXIST! God, I'm horny.

Suggestions [for Quitting]

11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

Mmm, nothing gets me more flaccid than a tub of worms. Unless there was a girl in there with me... that would be pretty hot. Wait, damn!

13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

I always find that I'm most tempted when lying in bed, having to piss after eating way too much Ketchup. And then my spandex pyjamas are just so constricting that I begin to think about all the fucking hot Mormon women that I came into contact with that day... I don't stand a chance.

18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Instead of a Book of Mormon, why not try an onion? That should kill your buzz. Or maybe you can bring a cactus to bed. And instead of tying your hands to the bed posts, which might be too kinky for you, why not just cut off your hands. Or better yet, cut off your penis or clitoris. That should solve all your problems and turn you into a happy, industrious Mormon who only consumes and reproduces - wait, you can't reproduce without a penis. DAMN!

Things pissing me off today

Posted by Johnny at 9:25 a.m.

Windows Automatic Update
If I tell you that I don't want to restart my computer right now, STOP ASKING! God damn it! Every 15 minutes that stupid countdown timer comes up and says "your computer will restart in 5 minutes if you don't interact with this dialog box" and if you don't press "Restart Later," it will restart your computer immediately. What if I went to the washroom and couldn't get back in time to press that button? Would you kill all my programs and force me to lose unsaved work? You would, you asshole, I just know it.

Fuck the asshole manager/lawyer who decided that a major sacrifice in usability was worth the 0% security improvement gained by this so called helpful reminder.

Headphones and Transit
Dear people on the train, please buy some FUCKING BETTER EARPHONES. If I can hear your music, it's either too loud or you are wearing them backwards. I wouldn't be surprised in either case because I've been around train folk for a long time, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that it's too damn loud.

Fat white chick: Not only do I not want to listen to techno at 8am, I also don't want to see you dance like your spending a night at the Roxbury. When you bob your head like that, your neck jiggles - it's fucking hawt. Fuck, look what you made me do - I replaced the letter o with aw. I hope you realize that it was done for the purposes of sarcasm.

Asian hipster dude with massive head: If you insist on blasting Kelly Clarkson and miscellaneous Asian power balladeers through your $10 Samsung ear buds, I will have to bring a power drill on the train and run it at full power and hopefully channel the noise directly into your ear drums. This will spare me and the other 20 people within earshot of your god awful music from the vomit inducing pain that you have chosen to inflict upon us, and will hopefully quicken your inevitable hearing loss. It's only fair. By the way, the 80s called and they want their guitar licks, reverb, and mullets back.

The following headphones are 20 dollars and they are sound isolating. This means you can keep your god damned noise confined in your own aural cavities so that your poor eardrums are the only ones assaulted. I spent $200 on mine so that my god awful noise would be kept to myself. All I ask is that you do 1/10th of what I did.


Slow-Walkers
When you're downtown during rush hour, please realize that most people want to get to work in reasonable time and will therefore walk at a reasonably brisk pace. We're not trying to break records, but we also don't want to lollygag around. So if you're too fat or too old to walk at rush hour pace, keep to the right. It's that simple - just keep to the right so that people with fully functioning legs that don't have to support 300 extra pounds can walk past you at twice the speed. Maybe you should try walking a bit faster too for yourself. It's decent exerci.. FUCKING WINDOWS UPDATE GAAARRAAAAHHHH.

Driving 101

Posted by Johnny at 10:38 a.m.

Ok, this is fucking unbelievable. How did this woman get a driver's license? Clearly, our testing criteria is too lenient.

You can't like everything

Posted by Johnny at 9:09 a.m.

Whenever I ask someone what kind of music they enjoy, I occasionally get the response "Oh, I like pretty much everything." This raises some flags. You can't like everything - it's just not possible. When I dig deeper, they usually say, "yeah, I'll listen to rock, country, rap, hip-hop... you know... everything." Ah, yes, everything.

If I had more free time, I would continue these conversation by challenging them on their umbrella statement - the surprisingly narrow "everything." I know for a fact that amongst the ~800 albums I have scattered around my hard drive, I will find something that they will hate. Ideally, it will be something that causes them physical pain to listen to, but I would also accept moderate discomfort.

Many pop music aficionados will grimace when they hear heavy metal, stare blankly when they hear some jazz fusion, or yawn when they hear classical orchestral art music; this isn't enough. I want them at the very least to scratch their heads and at the very most to plug their ears. If my iPod had more capacity, I would carry around a collection of weird music, listed below, in order to help people avoid using the word "everything" due to naivety.

On the off-chance that they enjoy the music the first time they hear it, I would question their aural comprehension abilities, because even a slut for the musically bizarre like me didn't enjoy most of the following list upon first listen, and there is some stuff that I respect more than I enjoy. Without further ado, here is a list of some music I have, much of which I own, ordered by increasing strangeness. Bonus points if you can guess the artist/album names.

1. An eclectic outing by the guitarist of the recently dubbed, "biggest band in the world," that is low fidelity cross between folk and post-punk. It was apparently recorded on his living room floor.
2. A record of film music as interpreted by an avant metal band named after the anti-hero of a series of legendary French crime novels.
3. An infamous and non-famous California "rock" band (now defunct) recorded an album that experimented with genres from death metal to free jazz to surf music. One song was a ten minute lo-fi masterpiece that ended with 20-30 seconds of ear-splitting static. In another song, the singer invented a new phonetic vocabulary/language for the lyrics.
   
4. A record by the same avant metal band as in #2 in which they composed one song per day in April 2005, titled the songs accordingly, and arranged it such that it sounds like someone channel surfing through cartoons with a heavy metal soundtrack. Oh, and there aren't any lyrics, per se.
5. A record of compositions created from the complete destruction and rearrangement of existing pop music by the father of sampling (who took it 50x farther than anyone would ever go).
6. A 70s album that covers pop music from the 60s, but conceptualizes its mind numbing catchiness as fascism in disguise. Thus, the songs are torn up, chewed, and spit out and arranged into two side length pieces. The cover has a picture of Dick Clark dressed as Hitler holding a carrot.
7. Three albums by a New Jersey hardcore band that pushes the genre farther than anyone else. Seemingly random tempo/time signature changes, shockingly technical guitar and drum lines, screamed lyrics - they have it all. This is not screamo.
8. A record of live jam sessions by the prog outing for one of the worlds most inventive guitarists, edited in such a way that the album plays out as a single composition. No vocals, just a heavy, moody, and exhilarating oddity of instrumentals.
9. A 20 minute composition with an ever-increasing tempo (starting at 40 bpm and ending at >400 bpm) comprised of split second samples from 1001 pop songs that were available from the introduction of the CD until 1993. The samples are arranged such that they create an entirely new piece of music with often intriguing lyrics.
10. A record of hell-inspired noisecore by an avant-garde free jazz saxophonist with the help of some Californian experimental types. Apparently the vocalist suffered a migraine after the 8 hour recording session.
11. A double-album of live Japanese noise sludgecore.
12. A 45 minute song consisting of a single guitar/drum metal riff that undergoes a slight transformation every few minutes. Virtuoso musicianship aside, it is almost entirely unlistenable.
    
13. An album that contains both the studio and live versions of a 30 minute piece that sees concert A (440 Hz) undergoing slow transformations, occasionally adding octaves, harmonics, and other sound effects. Yes, you read that right: 30 minutes of concert A.
    

Maintenance: a response

Posted by Johnny at 9:52 a.m.

This post is in response to Kevin's latest post. Think of it as a supercomment.

40

Eight to five times five.
Waste away, waste today.
Awake, I dream
Of sleep.

A new day,
The same day.
Same people,
Same state.

Power to change,
or procrastinate.
Power of faith,
and doubt.

How long will
a known question
have no answer?
Tomorrow, always.

Taken without permission from flunkeddivine.blogspot.com.
© 2007 flunkeddivine.

Amongst some other pithy stuff, this poem, to me, has summed up the disillusionment of working in IT for an extended period of time. Upon graduation, some computer folks think that working in IT will be fun because they can do what they do best, which is geeking it up all the live long day. But what they don't realize is that they're going to spend at least 7 hours of their work day doing what I consider to be the least satisfying part of life: performing maintenance. I don't know how you feel about maintenance, but I deplore it.

Some acts of maintenance are vital and necessary for life, such as eating and exercising, and others are vital and necessary for (eventual) reproduction, such as showering and brushing teeth, but acts like shovelling the driveway intrinsically carry less incentive. Have we not solved these problems yet? Are there not automated systems for performing these household duties?

The two most profitable industries, in my mind, are health care and maintenance. (One might argue that this is redundant because what is health care, if not bodily maintenance?) IT, a subindustry of maintenance, is also highly profitable because Kevin's and my future industry, software engineering, will move further and further away from perfection and increase the need for maintenance, thus creating more IT jobs. This is inevitable. As the size and complexity of software increases, the less perfect it can be.

This idea can be further abstracted and applied to life in general, and I'm most likely rehashing the ideas of many 20th century philosophers. As we strive, in middle class western society, to reduce maintenance so that we might enjoy an extra modicum of our lives, we will inevitably invent technology to help us achieve the unachievable, and it will require maintenance. Instead of removing maintenance, we are merely shifting it.

Let's take, for example, my gripe with snow removal. My driveway is very long and very narrow, which makes shovelling snow an altogether frustrating experience. I would easily pay $1000 for a robot to sit outside of my house and shovel the driveway at the first sign of snow. I'm sure that in a few years, this technology will exist and it will be affordable, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it will be worth it.

Robots, as with driveways, need maintenance. They have some kind of power source that needs replenishment, they have moving metallic parts that need lubrication, and, worst of all, they have software that needs patching. I can easily see a design flaw causing my driveway robot to start shovelling my lawn or the street or a neighbour's driveway. A patch to prevent this flaw might involve RF transmitters placed at the boundaries of the shovelling area so that the robot stays confined to the driveway.

The next flaw could be a physical component of the robot that prevents it from adapting to the lumpiness of a 30-year-old driveway, which would entail sending the robot into the factory for upgrades. And what happens if the robot tips over, or is unable to clean the snow from its snow and boundary sensors? Is it even worth it?

Some of you, the traditionalists, are probably shouting "NO!" into your monitors. "Just pick up a damn shovel!" I professed to deploring maintenance at the beginning of the article, and so if using a shovel amounted to less time spent on maintenance than using a driveway shovelling robot, I would opt for the shovel.

On the other hand, the only reason I am employable is because western society is obsessed with maintenance reduction, and projects like the Driveway Bot 2000 cause the anti-maintenites among us to salivate with lazy fervour. Robots need software and I just happen to be a software engineer. How convenient! Better start writing the course materials for Robot Maintenance 101...

Ah, humanity...

Posted by Johnny at 10:30 a.m.

Is this real? I highly doubt it, but it's damn funny.

The screenshot of the original source material is here, but I have painstakingly typed it out for your proper enjoyment.

This is entitled Burnt Cooter.

ok this is what happening,

my parents are out with family friends, and they'll be back any minute so i need your help

Heres some background:

see, i volunteer on my sisters softball team (i'm 22, the girls are 15)

and whatever yea i met this girl, her name is Alison, and we were going out for a while. We have alot in common, sometimes I help her with homework. I helped her on this english essay and she still got a D. This is because the teacher is a prick ...anywayz

So she came over like an hour ago, and i really want to lose my virginity, so i ask her to have sex

"no, no i cant, its not right" she said, but i told her "don't worry i know what im doing, ill be done in like 10 seconds, pluss ill give you 2 n64 games if you say yes"

So I gave her Diddy Kong Racing, and Ken Griffey Jr Baseball, and then she goes to my room. Shes a bit confused and scarred.

Then i think to myself - yo I need lube right? Cuz i heard you guys on the vesti saying you need to lube up her clit otherwise it wont fit in properly.

Ok so i have no lube, but i really want to lose my virginity - so i grab some butter from the fridge, but its cold, it wont melt - so I microwaved it for 8 minutes, and then i put it in a glass and poured it on her cooter, and now shes saying i burned it.

I dont know what to do, my parents are going to be back any minute and shes crying in the bathroom plz help you guyz are relly smrat and please help me.

Any idea how to shut her up? Should i give her another n64 game?

I believe that this is fake for two reasons.

1. I don't know anyone stupid enough to have sex for N64 games
2. I don't know anyone stupid enough to microwave butter for 8 minutes, regardless of where they intend to put it.
   

Sept 11-related divorce

Posted by Johnny at 12:35 p.m.

This is awesome. I'm not sure when the clip appeared in the paper, or which paper it is, but it's funny:


I think I'd rather be divorced than dead. Life lesson: cheat on your significant other.

A collection of pointless stories

Posted by Johnny at 11:24 a.m.

Story 1 - The Train
I was riding the train this morning and when we got into downtown, this crazy lady started saying things like, "Fuck! Why isn't this train going faster?" and, "Jesus Christ, this can't be happening to me. Go fucking faster! God damn it!" It was weird, then I got off the train.

Story 2 - Oasis ripped off Mr. Bungle
I heard an Oasis song yesterday, called "Let There Be Love," from the album they released last year and the intro is pretty much a direct rip-off of the Mr. Bungle song, "Retrovertigo," which was released in 1999. The Bungle song is way better.

Story 3 - Pool Last Night
Reid and I played pool last night. It was fun.

Story 4 - Substitute Prof (a.k.a. Meta Storytelling 101)
I'm going to tell you a story. In second year, my Signals & Transforms prof was away for a week, so one of her PhD students filled in for her. He decided to tell us a story about his undergrad experience, the details of which I cannot recall. He did, however, prefix the story by saying, "I'm going to tell you a story," then he told the story, which had no point whatsoever, then he said, "So, that was a good story. I'm glad I told it." And so were we. So, that was a good story. I'm glad I told it.

Happy 2007

Posted by Johnny at 9:13 a.m.

I was going to do some kind of extrospective post about the state of affairs in the year 2007 and what I hoped for the future, but time is money and I'm not made of money, people. So then I thought about doing some kind of introspective post about my state of affairs in the year 2007, but that would just bore you. Maybe I'll save that for my 1 year anniversary of singlehood at the end of this month, assuming I make it there (and chances are great). Finally, a recap of my 10 days off would be reasonably pointless, since most of the people who read this blag were present for most of what I would have written about.

Instead of all that pseudo-philosophical bullshit, I present to you, as a late Christmas present, the worst album covers ever (from here). If I find any more today that aren't on the previously mentioned site, I'll post them.

[Edit: This is probably a fake]


















The guy in front is now a US Congressman.

I love you all (well, most of you).

[Edit: Here is another album cover, from this webpage. It looks real to me.]