Kristen = Awesome

Posted by Johnny at 11:13 p.m.

This is in response to the only comment left on my last post, which was Kristen demanding that I write a new post.

Proof that Kristen is Awesome
by Johnny

There are people in this world who make you think to yourself, "Wow, he or she is cool." These cool people are, however, few and far between, as most people you meet leave you scratching your head and thinking, "Wow, he or she is a complete idiot." If you unite the cool group with the idiot group and subtract that union from the population of the world, you are left with a very, very small set of people: the Awesome Group. Right now, this group only contains Kristen, and I can prove it.

The proof is actually quite simple. We begin by outlining our basic assumptions. First, we assume that the three groups previously described (cool, idiot, and Awesome) are mutually exclusive. That is to say, a person Johnny cannot be both cool and an idiot, nor can he be cool and Awesome, etc. He definitely can't be all three. You might argue that being Awesome implies that you are cool, but this is not the case. Awesome is so far above cool that if you were to call an Awesome person cool, it would (and should) be taken with great insult.

So we've established that the three groups are mutually exclusive. This is lemma 1. Our second assumption is that no person can belong to a group that doesn't exist, and therefore can only belong to one of the three groups. This is lemma 2. These two lemmas are all we need to prove that Kristen is Awesome.

On to the proof. We will do this in two ways, the first being contradiction. Let's first assume that Kristen is not awesome. By lemma 1, this means that Kristen is either cool or an idiot. Since she is the inventor of the Sexy Kangaroo costume, however, she is neither cool nor an idiot, which contradicts lemma 1. And by lemma 2, she can only belong to one of the three groups, and therefore must be Awesome. QED.

If that wasn't convincing enough, our final proof will be a straight proof and will be simpler than the previous one. For this we must consider her review of the Great Gatsby. In the review, she described how she missed the point of the story and thought it was going to be deep. She also said, "I'm probably going to get some comment from someone explaining to me why I am a complete idiot...," however, no one commented to explain why she was an idiot and thus is not an idiot. The fact that she actually read a book proves that she is also not cool. Therefore, by lemma 1 and lemma 2, she is not cool, nor an idiot and must be Awesome. QED.

I have a bonus proof to offer, which is another straight proof. As I write this proof, Kristen is staying up, waiting for me to publish the post. This establishes that she is not cool, because she is staying up late, waiting for me to publish a lame blog post. But it also proves that she is not an idiot, because anyone who reads my blog cannot be an idiot (this is lemma 3, or something.. who cares). By lemmas 1, 2, and 3(ish), we conclude that Kristen is therefore Awesome since she is not cool nor an idiot. QED.

These proofs, as contrived and unmathematical as they were, were oversimplified and somewhat trite. If you really want proof of the Awesome that is Kristen, you should hang out with us while we invent something Awesome, like electric bowling, or the genetically engineered Dove-Owl crossbreed (the Dowl). Or, perhaps the best proof lies in Kristen's standard response to a question about her motives: "Because I'm Awesome." QED.

Men Dressing Themselves - now in flowchart form!

Posted by Johnny at 8:14 a.m.

From here.

New words whose creation I've been around for

Posted by Johnny at 4:45 p.m.

I invented the word "mottie" today, and realized that I'm sitting on a small lexicon that might do service to others when they're looking for the perfect word to describe something. Here's a partial list (note that some of these are new uses for existing words):

• bring-a-ling (vb.) — Bring.
• executive decision (n.) — The act of using a restroom. (ie: I have to make an executive decision.)
• exfiltrate (vb.) — To exit an establishment in a stealthy or militarily forceful manner.
• jazz (vb.) — To play jazz music. (ie: I'm jazzing tomorrow night at the Beat Niq.)
• johnny (n.) — The act of requesting a date from a member of the opposite sex who is involved in a serious relationship, usually an engagement, due to either stupidity or lack of observation. (ie: I just pulled a johnny on that chick.)
• loserpissed (adj.) — A state of intoxication achieved with less-than-typical effort.
• molish (vb.) — The opposite of demolish. To create something.
• mottie (n.) — A moderately hottie. One who is moderately hot.
• snooker (vb.) — To accurately hit a man's groin, resulting in pain.
• stroy (vb.) — The opposite of destroy. To create something.
  
• teamsmanship (n.) — Conduct and attitude considered as befitting a member of a team.
• tom (n.) — The act of driving through a yellow light as it turns red without altering the speed of the vehicle from the moment the yellow light was observed. (ie: I just pulled a tom.)
• train (vb.) — To ride public transit. (ie: Are you training in the morning?)

If you have any words that you think should be added to our vernacular, leave them in the comments.

Let's hope that I'm wrong

Posted by Johnny at 8:43 a.m.

In case you live under a rock or are stranded on a tropical island in the Pacific, I feel I should inform you that the 2006 US midterm elections are today. The entire world is watching and crossing their fingers for the Democrats to take back the House and the Senate, but the Republicans won't let go without a fight. I should also inform you that the first couple paragraphs of this post will be a rant, followed by some predictions.

Commence the rant.

This has been a bad year for the Republicans, namely because most of them are complete idiots with ethical and moral values that predate the enlightenment. Just go and watch Borat to see how actual Republican voters think, if you can call it thinking. Don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to an opinion, and I'm certainly not one to rule out economic conservatism, but this is 2006. We don't need to make gay people the new black people - they deserve the same rights and freedoms as straight people, such as marriage. We also don't need to dispose of 500,000 frozen embryos because some Christians believe it will make Jesus cry. You know what might make Jesus actually cry? Not searching for cures to currently incurable diseases and letting millions of real people die.

Since religion keeps trying to slip it into the governmental orifice like a jacked-up frat boy on a passed-out sorority girl, we have to be ever vigilant about who handles our drinks. Ok, that simile was a little over the top, but you get the idea. Even though we aren't Americans, we elected a prime minister who could be the Milhouse to America's Bart. I realize that Canada was mad at the Liberals for scandalously spending money to keep Quebec a part of our wonderful country, but did we really need to do a complete 180? I suppose in Canadian terms, 180 is more like an 18, but it's still a big change. I would be more pissed off about Harper being in office, but I just don't care that much. He'll do something to screw it up, then Eastern Canada will get its brain back and vote in somebody more moderate who wasn't involved in any scandals or any previous Liberal administrations (Michael Ignatieff, anyone?).

Thus concludes the rant.

Speaking of voting, as I mentioned previously, the midterm elections in the US are tonight and the Republicans could cheat in many ways to retain their control. Here are just a few of them:

• The National Republican Congressional Committee could pay to annoy the shit out of potential Democrats by repeatedly robo-calling their houses with messages that appear to be from their local Democratic candidates.
• Black Republican candidates could send flyers around that falsely label them as Democrats in order to trick the less-informed into voting Republican.
• The Republicans could exploit (or possibly even rig) the needlessly complicated and terribly buggy electronic voting machines that falsely register Democratic votes as Republican votes.
• Republicans could capitalize on John Kerry's idiotic attempt at a joke and make it sound like he, a decorated veteran, has contempt for US troops. John, why did you have to speak?
• Giving a nod to Sideshow Bob, the Republicans could capitalize on the "dead vote." Note that this is the only item on the list that they probably haven't done yet, since Republicans are incapable of experiencing fun and thus don't watch old episodes of The Simpsons.
  

With all the methods I've listed (and especially those tucked inside Karl Rove's horn-covered head), I don't see any way the Democrats stand a chance. Actually, I firmly believe the Dems are going to lose, but it won't be due to the fraud that will undoubtedly take place.

I think they are going to lose because > 50% of Americans still live in the 1800s.

This is unrelated

Have Sex, Live Longer

Posted by Johnny at 2:49 p.m.

This article published in the British Medical Journal presents findings indicating that men who have a high frequency of orgasm hold a 50% lower chance of death from coronary heart disease than those who have a low frequency of orgasm. In addition to the findings presented in this article, I've outlined my "research" "findings" on this subject below:

• Women who have regular sex will live longer. This is because the men they are having sex with won't be dying soon, which reduces their fear of not being able to have regular sex and thus extends their life.
  
• Men who have regular sex will be happier than those who don't. Take it from me - I'm not having regular sex (regular = any) and I'm a miserable son of a bitch. Therefore, the key to happiness is abstaining from abstinence.
• Women who have regular sex will be less bitchy. This is a known fact and is good for everyone.
• Men who have regular sex care less about things that aren't sex, and will be easier to coerce into doing girly things. This is good for women, and the men won't notice.

Conclusion: Fuck, I need to get laid. Come on women, these findings speak for themselves and all point to you having sex with me because I'm available. If, for some strange reason, I'm not available, I'm pretty sure my friends Reid and Kevin are both available. Brett is too, but he lives in Texas. But since this is my post, you have to prioritize me over these other guys.

Worst post ever.

Posted by Johnny at 9:17 a.m.

Just to warn you, this post is going to suck, so don't expect anything brilliant.

Question Marks
I occasionally find my inbox at work littered with unnecessary question marks. It seems that people have forgotten what the word, "question" means - as in, "question mark." You see, a question is a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply. Sentences that are not questions that have been suffixed with a question mark take on a completely different meaning. See the following real-world examples.

Also - none of the links on the course schedule work? They have a "masters" subdirectory?

These were not intended to be questions. The person just asked me if none of the links worked and if they had a masters subdirectory. How the fuck should I know? See, that was a question that necessitated a question mark.

I don't think they are the same? Under Project Management on the site schedule, the APM course is first - but on the newsletter schedule it is last?

Again, are you asking me or telling me? "I don't think they are the same. Period." The "question" you asked me essentially meant, "I don't know what I'm thinking."

Hi – I’m still having problems – the logo is still the wrong file, and now I can’t seem to get the font face to change?

You don't know if you can get the font face to change? Did you try? Oh, you did, and you couldn't. Then WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?!

Excellence in Municipal Affairs
This sign was produced by stupid people:

Anonymity is Useless

Anonymous said...

I love you Johnny. And I am not God. Nor Satan. Or Darwin, for that matter....

7:08 PM

I don't need anonymous love any more than I need genital warts. Anonymity helps me in no way whatsoever, so if "Anonymous" is at least a moderately attractive woman, please reveal your identity. If you're a man, touch your nose and nod.

Man, this post has sucked. I have no inspiration to write any more words, so ... yeah.

Engineers need sex too

Posted by Johnny at 11:02 p.m.

Ok, I'm pretty sure that having sex doesn't get in the way of becoming an engineer, nor do engineers abstain by choice (on average). I think the problem is that there are so few women in our degree that our chances are severely reduced.

Think about it. If engineers are 1/3 women, 1/3 of which who are attractive, 1/2 of which are single, and 1/2 of which are looking for a boyfriend, that means 1/36 of the entire engineering population are available for the other 24/36.

Ok, maybe my logic is a little fuzzy there, because I assumed that all male engineers were attractive and single, which is SO NOT the case. Let's say half of the male engineering population is datable, so that means 12/36 of the engineers are going after 1/36 of the engineers. That's a sad state of affairs.

What is the solution? Expand your borders, engineering men. Look outside your degree to the arts, the sciences, and ... KNES? No, don't date people in KNES. Even though they're attractive, they're not your type.

borne again

Posted by Johnny at 8:55 p.m.

im writting 2 tell u about my experence with jesus and how He changed My life recently. i was bord on sunday an d decided to go too church iwth my x gf bc she has her head on strait. at least thats what kyle told me in high school and hes like the most Devoted christian i can think of. i wish i was like him.

neway, i was In church with the x and she told me shed take me back if i excepted jesus into my Heart. and i wa s liek, wow, this is egsactly what i want bc im like so lonely... so if i can get her back in2 my Life and jesus at the same time, than all of my lonelenis wud go away to hell with satan and darwin where they spend they're time sodomy each other.

i thought about it for a While and and i decidedt o excapt jesus into my heart and get bak 2gether with the x at the same time. i told her my Desision and she got very happy i think becus she started agnoring me agian just like old times and telling me that We had to wait until marrege. i really missed that alot.

than for a little while things got worse & she wasnt talkin to me and she said we had to brake up agen. this made me sad and i tried to Bargain with her but it didnt work and it felt worse then the first couple brakeups.

the only difference is that i now Have jesus to protect me from lonlines and all other bad emotions that we wernt inteligntly dezigned to fell so i;m going to be alrite. just nowing that the earth is ten 000 years old and evaulooshun is Wrong makes me fell cumforted.

praise jEsus, not alla or darwin or the jewish god

An Exercise in Stereotyping: Transit Folk

Posted by Johnny at 2:55 p.m.

I'm an avid Calgary transit customer and have come to know the many types of transit riders. I bet that a person's behaviour while riding public transit reveals deeper truths about his/her personality, but I'm just going to describe their transit personae.

Cellphone Guy
Dressed To Impress might be his real name. His cologne diffuses freely and his Blackberry's ring tone is loud, but professional. When he answers the phone, he yells as if it's in the next car and the caller is deaf. The passengers next to him cringe as he spews forth corporate buzzwords like synergy, paradigm shift, and value-added. Luckily, his call is relatively short, but he ends it with a boisterous bout of forced, wheezing laughter, which is probably a sign of his numerous failed attempts to quit smoking.

Cellphone Girl
She's somewhere between jailbait and just right, which means her voice is still screechingly high-pitched and she speaks like a fucking valley girl. You never hear her ring tone because she's been on the phone since you embarked, and she'll keep talking long after you've disembarked. Her conversation goes something like this:

"i was like going to the mall with like matt, and then he like kissed me and i was like ohmygod what am i going to tell derek because like i really like matt but i don't want to like--"

"OH MY GOD! LIKE, DIE!" is what you're thinking as she doesn't.

The Discourteous Jerk
He may take on many forms: you might see him with his feet up on the seat across from him, sitting with his bag filling the seat beside him, or having a nice little nap (sitting down) while a pregnant lady with groceries stands next to him. He might also insist upon wearing his Everest trekking backpack and reading the Herald while standing in the sardine tin that is rush hour. Whether he's truly discourteous or merely oblivious is difficult to discern, but you can be sure that the passengers around him are silently expressing their polite indignation, perhaps by shooting a grimaced look at his bulbous head.

Slowly Growing Deaf
The ubiquity of the iPod and its brethren has ushered in a new generation of idiots who are too stupid to realize that loud music = hearing loss. Not only that, this portable music (r)evolution has flooded our trains with idiots sporting low quality headphones that not only blast their shitty music into their unsuspecting eardrums, but also into the surrounding air as a tinny, but somewhat recognizable drone. It's never certain whose earphones are blasting what noise, but the art of stereotyping can be of some use.

For example, guys with beards and/or long hair are probably listening to that fucking awful power metal (redundancy alert) that you hear, and the would-be Cellphone Girl is listening to the diabetes-inducing bubblegum pop whilst reciting the dance moves she saw on Much. As always, every stereotype has exceptions, which means the black guy wearing Sean John is the one listening to Toby Keith. Now that's juxtaposition.

The Token Retarded Person
First of all, the word "retarded" is not offensive, it is a medical term. The word "retard" is offensive, and the people who strive to be politically correct are usually retards. Now that that's out of the way...

He might be visibly retarded through his physical appearance, or maybe through his actions. Either way, it becomes obvious fairly quickly that the guy persistently rocking back and forth or making loud squawking noises is not normal, whatever that is. After a few minutes of pretending not to be distracted, you start hoping that he'll get off the train soon. Thus, a series of questions in your mind is ignited:

"God damnit, when is he leaving?"
"Does he know which stop is his?"
"Does he know which stop we're at right now?"
"Does he even know that he's on the train??"
"Is he even aware of his own existence, let alone the hordes of other passengers who he is annoying the crap out of??"
"God damnit, when is he leaving?!?"

Then he spits on your shoe and then explodes into uncontrollable laughter.

The Drunk Guy at 4pm
He may or may not be Native and he may or may not be homeless. The only sure thing is that he's drunk and you can smell him from across the car. He's swaying to the power ballad in his mind like a ship on an increasingly violent sea, even when the train isn't moving. His jacket is flapping open just enough to reveal the unconspicuous paper bag stuffed in his inside pocket, not that you needed any more evidence. As his final gift to the train, he staggers towards the door and vomits on the floor, causing the normals to migrate away. After he leaves, someone informs the train operator that there's vomit in car 2, and they stop the train and evacuate the car. Thanks Drunk Guy, I'm now 10 minutes late for my hair cut.

The Token Insane Person
He is harder to identify than the Token Retarded Person, but those two have many commonalities. The quintessential similarity is the uncertainty factor. Once identified, you never really know what the Token is going to do. "Is he going to talk to me?" "Is he going to spit on me?" "Is he going to rape me?? On public transit? Oh god, what kind of monster is this?!?"

He disembarks before you do because crazy people don't live in the suburbs. Then you tell all your suburb friends that you were almost raped on public transit.

Last, but not least,
The Guy Who Seems a Little Off and Turns Out to be an Insane Racist
Our final rider is based on an experience of mine and is more of an archetype, versus a stereotype.

I was sitting with my Asian friend Sam, reading a Chem textbook, when the guy standing next to me says "that's a good subject."

I say, "Umm.. yeah, it's not bad." I hadn't looked at him yet, so I thought he might be a chem prof or something, so I didn't want to say what I really thought about chem.

"Yeah, it's a really good subject. Is that a textbook? Because I don't have any textbooks, but I bought some books from Chapters."

Ok, that seems reasonable, I guess. "Oh yeah."

"Are you in university?"

"Yeah." Fuck dude, leave me alone.

"I didn't go to university, but you know what the problem with university is?"

"What?" I really hope he's sane. Please, let him be sane.

"Foreigners. There are too many god damn foreigners in university and they haven't gone to high school in Canada, so they're behind everyone else and it takes them forever to catch up..."

"Uh.." Okay, this motherfucker is grade A not sane. This is why I didn't point out that international students were probably near the top of their class in their superior high school systems and have learned English in order to study at a North American institution.

"...They're just a drain on society. Immigrants are a drain on society. Drain on society... Drain on.. drain on society because they didn't do high school here..."

And he got stuck in an infinite loop, repeating variations of "drain on society" as he walked off the train.

Conclusion
I've tried to cover a large number of stereotypes here, but I'm sure I've forgotten some. Please, fill in the ones I forgot, and share your own transit stories.

Summer Employment

Posted by Reid at 9:52 p.m.

In pondering how I am best suited to accumulate enough wealth to buy myself a trophy wife (or at least a wife willing to have sex with me who I don't find unattractive), I was searching ways to keep living costs down while maximizing market exploitation.

With Alberta's market booming, surely a young lad could make a couple dollars. Think Reid, think...

From my experience this summer, I found that many people looking for work had left their families in other provinces and moved out to Calgary. None of these men had the sweet touch of a woman. Not that I would call what they get a sweet touch...probably more like a callused slap. Nonetheless, I am sure these men would pay for some sweet loving. Of course, there is always the issue that nobody in any sort of endorsable state would ever have intimate relations with these men. Most don't have their teeth, have any hair, and don't shower. Worst of all, any person that would touch these men would want to be compensated heavily and that means less money for me...and I don't really want to be a pimp.

Enter a man's new best friend:

The Fleshlight

Yes, this patented technology retails for only $60 and is reusable! No longer are the days of paying for a service and getting shorted! No longer is it a race against the clock. With this ultra customizable pleasure device, any rigger would be happy.

I figure if fleshlights were delivered directly to a rig, you could probably sell 6-10 at $300 each (remember, these guys are desperate AND have a wod of cash to spend on booze and pleasure). This is up to $3k per rig, with a cost of about $500 (I assume I could get a bulk discount). I would have to cover the gas costs of driving from rig to rig, but nonetheless, a tidy profit could be made.

Just check out how diverse the fleshlight is:
First, Choose the Orifice






Next, choose the sensation:







The second from the left is the "Ultra Tight" sensation and is recommended for use with the anal orifice.


I've heard from a couple people that fleshlights are addictive and some have even said that they are better than the real thing. All I'd need is one "demo" light to prove to the guys on the rig that this is worth their $300. With it, they can live out their every fantasy.


Yes, this summer I'm heading to the rigs.