Church website is now gay porn

Posted by Johnny at 12:03 p.m.

Muahahahaha. This is what happens when you forget to renew your domain name. (From here.)

DOVER -- Hope Community Church is trying to spread the word about its new Web site and disavow its former domain name.

Because of an error, a pornography company bought the church's old domain name unbeknownst to the church. The church's new Web site is www.hopeacc.org.

Pastor Steve Spearing said Friday the mix-up happened a few weeks ago when the church changed Internet service providers. Spearing said he believed the church could keep its Web site name, which contained the words "life" and "Christ."

But the old service provider put the address up for sale and it was bought by a pornographic Web site.

Spearing said he didn't realize the site had been sold until he got a call from a Massachusetts woman who was interested in moving to the area and was doing research on the Internet about local churches.

"She asked what kind of a church we were and then she said, 'Do you know that your Web site is connected to a porn site,' and I said 'No, ma'am,'" Spearing said.

He said he was aghast, especially because the church had just handed out fliers with the old Web site name at Dover's Apple Harvest Day.

The church has spent the last few weeks trying to figure out how this happened, he said, and recently received a letter from the Internet service provider admitting it made a mistake by selling the domain name.

"They said we could buy it back, but we don't want it back," Spearing said.

He said the Internet company told him pornographic sites often like to buy Web addresses once used by churches.

"They will target ministries as an embarrassment, and they did a good job," he said.

Although the Internet snafu was troubling, Spearing was able to have some sense of humor about it.

"It will be interesting to see who shows up to church now," he said.

If anyone is interested in the old web address it is http://www.life-in-christ.net. I'm not posting that as a link because I just know that someone (Reid) will fail to read the article and click the link without thinking while his parents are in the room.

I need an opinion

Posted by Johnny at 2:26 p.m.

Ok, let me start off with a boring story.

I'm doing some recording work for a girl I knew in high school, who we will call Abby, in exchange for her fiance building an acoustically treated vocal booth in my basement. The work he's doing would normally run around $1500, so I'm basically giving her 8-10 songs out of it. This is beside the point. Also, she found me through another girl that I recorded (and asked out), who happens to be a good friend of hers. We'll call this girl Betty.

Abby is getting married very soon (next week) and I was under the assumption that I was not invited to the wedding... because she hadn't invited me. I was fine with this, because I try to avoid churches if at all possible, and, from what she has told me, the reception was going to be dry to accommodate the alcoholics in the family.

In the last couple weeks, I've been mixing and mastering a song for her to play at the wedding. She wrote it for her husband-to-be, so I wanted her to be happy with the result. I made a first mix, wasn't happy with it, then made a second mix that was about 90% of what I wanted. She was impressed with my perfectionist tendencies and felt like she is getting a really good deal, which she is. Perhaps it was out of guilt, but whatever the motivation, she invited me to her wedding.

Let me clarify: she invited me to the ceremony. They don't have enough food to invite me to the reception, so I'm invited to the church part, and she made it sound like she really wanted me to come. I haven't been to any kind of church service since last Christmas Eve with the Ex (no church this year! WOO) and I was planning to decline the invitation. That is, until I found out that Betty, who is now married and living out west, was going to be in town and at the wedding, presumably with her husband.

I've met Betty's husband, we'll call him Charlie, twice at the most and so far he has never said a single word to me. Not one. Not even "hello" or "goodbye." Something tells me that he felt threatened by my brief presence in Betty's life back in the spring. I mean, she was over at my house a lot during the recording process, and we hung out together for the last few weeks at school, so he was justified in his fears. They were futile, however, because after finding out that she was marrying the first person she'd ever dated at age 22 (he was 19!), I immediately lost interest in her. But once I met him and clearly saw how jealous he was, I abandoned any guilt that I had from spending so much time with her. And let's not forget that she let me buy her dinner, telling me that she was engaged half-way through the meal.

You'd think I'd want to spend less time with her in order to make things easier on Charlie, but he just seemed so immature that I couldn't help but want to toy with his perceptions. What can I say, I'm an asshole. Unfortunately, they were busy planning the wedding in the summer, so I didn't really get a chance to make him any less comfortable, and, not surprisingly, I wasn't invited to the wedding, so I couldn't give her a big congratulatory kiss like I had planned. Basically, my fun was at an end and I haven't spoken to her since August.

But now that she is going to Abby's wedding next week, I've been handed an opportunity for some light trouble-making. Operating under the assumption that she's bringing Charlie as a guest, I have several options if I go to the wedding.

I could, and most likely will try, to sit with them. Naturally, I'd sit next to Betty and make a bunch of enthusiastic conversation with her before the wedding starts, all but ignoring Charlie. If I was feeling saucy, I could also give her a big hug when I first see her. This might raise some flags. Finally, a kiss on the cheek would pretty much ensure his permanent disapproval of me, all to my absolute delight. I think these would all be within the acceptable boundaries of two friends who hadn't seen each other in four months, don't you?

Of course, I could spare myself some boredom and spare those newlyweds some minor hiccups by not attending the wedding and not being mischievous. But I don't know if I'd ever have another chance at this sort of thing. It would almost be worth sitting through a full wedding ceremony to cause a little bit of trouble and make a silent protest against the institute of marriage and the naive youngsters who feel guilty about having sex without that magical piece of metal around their finger.

But then again, I'd have to go to church. What should I do?

Broken Laws

Posted by Johnny at 3:33 p.m.

Here's an example of stupidity in the US with respect to laws [original article]:

ATLANTA (AP) — The Georgia Supreme Court has turned down an appeal from a teen who was sentenced to 10 years in prison for having sex with a 15-year-old.

In a ruling released Friday, the court denied a motion for reconsideration filed by lawyers for Genarlow Wilson, who was 17 when he and the 15-year-old engaged in consensual oral sex. He was sentenced for aggravated child molestation.

Wilson’s case was one of two cases that were cited earlier this year when lawmakers passed a law that otherwise strengthened penalties for sex offenders, but reduced the penalty from a felony to a misdemeanor for some teenagers convicted of sodomy.

Presiding Justice Carol Hunstein noted that in easing the penalties for teens, ‘‘the Legislature expressly chose not to allow the provisions of the new amendments to affect persons convicted under the previous version of the statute.’’

Hunstein added she was ‘‘very sympathetic to Wilson’s argument regarding the injustice of sentencing this promising young man with good grades and no criminal history to 10 years in prison without parole and a lifetime registration as a sexual offender because he engaged in consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old victim only two years his junior,’’ but said the court was bound the by limits set by the Legislature.

10 YEARS?!? That's outrageous. Another thing that's outrageous is that people can be convicted of sodomy in some US states (sodomy is basically any non-coital sex, in case you were wondering). Welcome back to the middle ages.

Warning Label

Posted by Johnny at 5:43 p.m.

I'll let you guys figure out what this proposed warning label should be for. (Found this on digg, got a chuckle out of it).

WARNING: This a work of fiction. Do NOT TAKE it literally.

CONTENT ADVISORY:
Contains verses descriptive or advocating suicide, incest, bestiality, sadomasochism, sexual activity in a violent context, murder, morbid violence, use of drugs or alcohol, homosexuality, voyeurism, revenge, undermining of authority figures, lawlessness and human rights violations and atrocities.

EXPOSURE WARNING:
Exposure to contents for extended periods of time or during formative years in children may cause delusions, hallucinations, decrease cognitive and objective reasoning abilities, and in extreme cases, pathological disorders, hatred, bigotry, violence including but not limited to fanaticism, murder and genocide.” endanger your mental health and life”.

Blog: updated. Also, torture.

Posted by Johnny at 3:49 p.m.

Well, they finally allowed Premium Mediocrity to upgrade to Blogger Beta. I decided to commemorate this momentous occasion by updating the site template to what you are looking at right now. What do you think? I made small adjustments to the Rounders theme.

I almost forgot the original reason I went to the Blogger dashboard, but luckily, alcohol hasn't destroyed my memory yet.

If you feel like reading about a US citizen's account of being tortured in Iraq by the US, read this article. If you don't, however, allow me to re-post what I think is the most important part of the article:

The fluorescent lights in his cell were never turned off, he said. At most hours, heavy metal or country music blared in the corridor. He said he was...

When you think of music that could be used for torture, most people would think "heavy metal" fits the bill perfectly. More specifically, they are thinking about any music that involves screaming, unrecognizably distorted guitars, and rapid-fire double bass drum sequences. Oh, and maybe some bass fuzz for good measure.

I would agree that when played at loud volumes, this would become torturous to me after a few hours, but there are some cases in which I'd enjoy it for a little bit. More specifically, if it was The Dillinger Escape Plan, Converge, or Mastodon that they were playing, I probably wouldn't complain. But as indicated in the article, heavy metal and hardcore aren't the only styles of music that could be used for torture.

Yes, he said they used country music. This made my day. I don't like to generalize, so I'll just say that I dislike most country music. There's just something about the twangy vocals, concrete lyrics, and repetitive instrumentals that doesn't sit well with me. I'd classify it with any other kind of pop music in that it's 70% repetition, but has added twang and in some cases, depression. Just imagine "Achy Breaky Heart" being played for 4 hours, let alone 4 minutes.

The more I think about it, there are even more musical styles that they could use to torture people. A little Will Smith, anyone? How about some O Town? Or maybe they could loop "What is Love" for 6 hours. And nothing says "kill me" (or "rape me") like listening to 50 Cent. On the flip side, we could pipe in a Shine FM broadcast for a couple hours and make any normal person try to puncture their ear drums with a coat hanger.

My brain is bursting with ideas. I think I have some John Zorn / Mike Patton collaborations that most people would burn after the first couple songs. I also downloaded an album by some weird 2-person band called Orthrelm that could drive you insane - it was basically a 40 minute set of ultra fast and ultra repetitive drum and guitar prog metal licks. If I wasn't so amazed by their musicianship (the entire thing was recorded in one sitting), I would have vomited.

Speaking of vomit, I think I've come up with the ULTIMATE torture: Kenny G. Specifically, play all of his Christmas albums in a big loop until the inmates kill themselves. I bet you could even use this for population control in overcrowded countries. Just pipe it through loud speakers in the streets and eventually, the population will lack the will to reproduce for fear of creating the next Kenny G.

Short List of Library Disturbances

Posted by Reid at 10:36 a.m.

I love finals, I really do. I get up, go to the library, put in some solid work at my own pace, head to the gym when I want, eat when I want. It's a good life. Maybe it's part of the 4th year apathy, maybe it's weather, but finals haven't been stressful this year.

I can't, however, say the same for other people that I've seen at the library this year. It's funny to see people at their breaking limit for an entire 8 hours (well, they are only there for 3 because they take 2 hour lunches, and all sorts of breaks). This library season has seen me notice things of annoyance that I wasn't so sensitive to before, probably because I was stressed myself. I've compiled a short list of retarded things in the library that aren't the normal "turn you cell phone off" or "don't talk":

1. Text Messages
2. Laptops
3. No shoes
4. Crackers
5. Ear plugs

Text Messages:
I don't mind the person having their phone on silent and leaving to talk, no biggie. What I can't stand is this new age of messages that people type out on their phones. It's a constant clicking from them pushing the buttons. It's fairly loud (even if they don't think so), but more importantly they have nothing to say. I read one guy's text message: "what r u doing". What is up with this world? Do you really need to know that moment what that person is doing? Shouldn't you just focus on what you are suppose to be doing?

Laptops:
I go to the library to avoid my computer. MSN is a distraction, music is a distraction, news is a distraction. I see no reason to need to bring your computer. If you are typing a report up, don't come to the library. Your clicking isn't welcome during finals. It is especially frowned upon when you clicking noise is MSN to your friend. Why do you need to come to the library to MSN? Go fuck yourself you self absorbed whore.

No Shoes
No Shoes, No Service. Well, not at the library, a place that everyone thinks is their home. Come in your PJs and kick off your shoes, we'll just have a slumber party! Guess what? If you are so focused on your comfort you probably aren't focusing on your studying. I just hate people that "study so hard" since they are the first to whine. PS, it's gross when you go to the washroom without shoes. There is shit on the floor, I swear.

Crackers
Our brains need sugar to function properly, so you should be allowed to eat in the library. Now, I must ask why people insist on chips and crackers - the loudest food out there. How about a fucking orange or a banana? No, apples are bad too. Who the fuck busts out an apple in the library? The same people that don't wear shoes.

Ear plugs
You'd think ear plugs are the greatest thing while studying, wouldn't you? Block out the noise of others and let you focus on your own little world. When I see someone with ear plugs I run far away, because these are the loudest fuckers in the library. They have no idea how much noise they make because they've plugged their ears. I honestly think that ear plugs should be BANNED from libraries since they only benefit the person using them and make the place a whole bunch louder.


Meh, done for the day. Time for gym and whatnot.

Update on "girls": Some new girl from library is now of interest. Others are doing a lot better now that exams are done. I told you exams make people go crazy!

Comic: xkcd

Posted by Johnny at 9:02 a.m.

Just one of the funny comics, most of which are for geeks, on www.xkcd.com.

Relationships Explained

Posted by Reid at 3:16 p.m.

In the pursuit of someone new following the summer parting, I've ventured in numerous directions without much luck. If there is one thing I've managed to do, it's make a few more friends. Friends that drain the wallet and my mind. While talking to a girl that I find fairly attractive, she was complaining about being treated like a piece of meat because you get used and abused. If she really wanted to be treated well and unlike a piece of meat, she would be all over me. But she's not, so I can only assume she is full of shit.

I also know that she has no idea what she is talking about, because people get used all the time even when not a piece of meat. I will explain my experience with this briefly.

I usually treat my friends, particularly girls, very well. They don't often have to pay for much of their own stuff, they get a lot of free meals and what seems like unlimited favours. I don't ask too much from them in return...actually, almost nothing.

I find that these "friendships" are usually based on my ability to do something for them. It could be from printing their notes, making them dinner, helping them with their biochemistry, downloading videos for them, editing projects for them, proof reading etc. It seems rare that anyone wants to get together these days to just hangout since they are just "so busy". Instead, there has to be an excuse to get together (revolving around their needs, see above). Nonetheless, the friendship grows for a little while.

Now, could one assume that if you are doing things together every day and becoming close friends that you might make a decent couple? According to girls, no...their line is, "You'll make some woman very happy one day". I hate this line. How about I make you happy today, bitch? Are you saying to my face that I'm not good enough for you? Or just straight up saying I'm ugly? You think you are hot shit, do you? The reason you're still single is because you aren't as great as you think you are. God damn, people piss me off...just makes me want to hate fuck them even more.

Anyway, for those who don't know, I've bent over backwards the past 2 weeks for two different girls and they are both off finding other hot boys, but they will come back when they need help with finals....and yes, it pisses me off.

Thanks to Johnny, this is an accurate depiction of how relationships will work depending on either your physical attractiveness or your mental attractiveness. Since I get ass raped as a friend, I could use a bit more physical attractiveness, while the girl who complained about being used as a piece of meat obviously needs some more mental attractiveness.

The best part by far is the null set. And yes, I am sure everyone likes to think they could inhabit that currently void area, but it is null for a reason...it can't exist. It would annihilate itself in perfection...or even worse...the null set is God. *shudder*.

Modern translation of a Beatles song title

Posted by Johnny at 9:58 p.m.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

becomes

I Wanna Wrap You in Saran Wrap from Head to Toe and Cut Two Holes For You so that You Can Breathe and We can Have Sex

Now contribute more because the Beatles are (finally) no longer sacred.

I might as well opine on the above linked-to album entitled, "Love", and created by George Martin and his son Giles. I love it... but...

I would have liked to hear them go waaay farther with the mashups and remixing efforts, but I realize that they had to both satisfy long-time, die-hard fans, of which I am not, and create something that sounds new and fresh. Maybe one day they will do something truly original with these original master tapes, but that day has not yet come (unless you count the Grey Album).

Some links for y'all

Posted by Johnny at 8:29 a.m.

I haven't done a link dump in a long, long time.

• Bill Gates For President - Apparently Scott Adams beat them to the punch, but here is the semi-official site for the BGFP movement. Yep, I just acronymized it, and invented the word "acronymized".
• Digg - 8 Things Women Suck at in Bed - I haven't actually read the article because when things get dugg, they usually get overloaded and people can't read them. However, I'm linking to the digg page for it so that you can read the first two comments. Hilarious.
• Stephen Hawking thinks we should colonize another planet to ensure the survival of the species. I think I would volunteer to go to the new stomping grounds and carry on the existence of the human race. I mean, think of all the sex I'd be having. Allllll right. Stephen Hawking, I salute you.
• Some idiots, who happened to be high, decided to rob this family and held a few of them at gunpoint. While this was happening, the 4-year-old son went into his room and changed into his power rangers costume and got out a plastic sword and tried to scare the criminals away. Since they were high, they actually thought he morphed into a power ranger and fled the scene in fear. Priceless.
• Ah, Americans. Here are some stories from travel agents about customer stupidity. "I got a call from a man who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' He said 'But they look so close on the map.'"
  

I'm not an artist

Posted by Johnny at 8:37 a.m.

Here's a comparison between a work of "art" I've produced in Microsoft Paint and one produced by an actual artist using the same exact software. Yes, that primitive, pixel-pushing paint program that comes with every copy of Windows in the world.

See if you can figure out who painted which picture.

Picture 1

Picture 2

Here's the link containing the real art.

Dare: Watch this and not cringe

Posted by Johnny at 3:00 p.m.

I challenge you. Don't worry, it's safe for work.

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

Scott Adams on Atheism

Posted by Johnny at 8:51 a.m.

I'm going to pillage an entire blog post from Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert), describing the recent elevation in status of atheists amongst Christians in the US. He also thinks Bill Gates, an atheist, should run for president. The post is entitled, "Atheists: The New Gays":

Is it my imagination or have the atheists come out of the closet (in the United States) since 9/11?

Prior to 9/11, it would have been career suicide for a public figure to come right out and say God is a fairy tale. Now it’s a feature of popular culture. You can see it on cable of course, in shows such as BullSh*t, Real Time, The Daily Show, and Southpark. But it’s also a feature of network TV. The main character on House is written as the most brilliant human on the planet, and he’s an atheist. The new show 3lbs has a similar character. I can’t remember anything like that ten years ago.

Famous atheist Richard Dawkins’ book The God Delusion is #5 on Amazon.com. Sam Harris is right up there with his books The End of Faith and Letters to a Christian Nation. They aren’t selling in numbers anywhere approaching the top religious books, but they are best sellers. When was the last time two books promoting atheism were best sellers at about the same time?

I think the hidden benefit of Islamic extremism is that it freed the atheists from their closets. The old mindset in the United States was that almost any religion was good, and atheism was bad. But since 9/11, atheism has moved above Islam in the rankings, at least in the minds of Christians and Jews in the United States.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.

I think that in an election cycle or two you will see an atheist business leader emerge as a legitimate candidate for president. And his name will be Bill Gates.

By then, Bill Gates will have done so much good for the world through his charitable works that combined with his business success he’ll appear more qualified than any other candidate. His early bachelor life and some of his business practices will come back to haunt him if he runs, but he can still win with this simple slogan: “Who would you rather have on your side?” He’ll confess to all of his past imperfections and say that presidents are poor choices for role models. He’ll advise you to look to your parents for role models while you let him run the country.

I doubt Bill Gates is considering a run for president right now, largely because it’s so hard to make a difference from that job. His charities will have more impact. But I think he’ll someday realize that the world needs a rational thinker in the top spot and no one else can win.

At least you’d know he wouldn’t be in it for the money or to speed up the Rapture. He has my vote.

Here's a quote I laughed at: "God is still up there," on global warming.

One more thing: http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

Something Completely Different

Posted by Reid at 1:11 p.m.

In my last year of my program at the University of Alberta, I have had the opportunity to participate in some pretty cool things. One of the coolest was a surgery on a rat. I'm taking this space up on the blog to explain the procedure and show some pictures.

[A note from Johnny: If you're squeamish like I am, be warned. Otherwise, enjoy the rat pictures.]

The rat was anaesthetised with a ketamine anaesthetic. For those of you up on street drugs, that's Special K which has a similar mechanism to PCP/Angel Dust (NMDA-receptor drugs). These drugs are dissociative anaeasthetics, allowing the rat to be dissociate from the pain even if it wakes up mid surgery. It's a good thing, because my rat did wake up a bit mid surgery. His head snapped up while digging around the nerves in his neck. No need for me to explain in words, I have pictures.



Rat = 500g. Note the urine escaping his bladder onto the hot water bottle. Under anaesthetic the rat will loose control of it's bladder and constantly leaks. He's on a hot water bottle and under a heat lamp because of his inability to regulate his body temperature. Well, let's cut him open.
And yes, he is still alive. I need his heart to pump to run the tests.







A nice little incision removes the epithelium. This was done with regular scissors. Nothing too spectacular here. Almost no bleeding, just a bunch of tissue. Now to find the carotid artery.











It's a bit of a dig but sure enough you find a large tube like tissue. Beneath it lies the trachea and carotid, so off we go.











Opened up, you can easily see the rat's trachea. The carotid is just in behind it, so using tweezers you pull up to front as shown in the next picture.









It's tough to tell, but there is a nerve attached to the carotid. This makes the vessel less flexible and nearly impossible to work with. It took two of use to remove the nerve from the vessel.











Use some ties to keep the artery pulled forward and accessible. But knotting tightly on the distal (left) side of the vessel, the vessel swells so we can see it with a bit more ease.










Time to cut. Take some scissors, find the vessel, cut it about half way through and hope for the best. If that clamp isn't on correctly blood goes everywhere, so you hope for the best and cut away.









Success! Now to run a tube into the artery to measure the blood pressure and heart rate. It's a lot harder to do that I would have thought. It probably took longer than the rest of the surgery.








Tie the tube down, flush with heparin to remove any clots and viola! Cannula #1 done. Next is the jugular.












So I skipped a bunch of steps and just went to the tie down of the jugular. It looks sexy, no?

This tube will carry drug directly in to the rat's heart. The experiment called for acetylcholine and atropine to determine the effects on blood pressure and heart rate. The rat lived until the end of the surgery when he was injected with euthenol. It killed the rat within 5 seconds. The other method would be to take scissors and cut its chest cavity open and toss it in the garbage.

All in all, it was a great learning experience and it showed the difficulty of in vivo experiments.

To the anonymous who loves Johnny, just tell him face to face. I am pretty sure it will drive him crazy...unless of course you are a male, in which case you can keep it your little secret.

This oughta hold you

Posted by Johnny at 12:56 a.m.

Ok, this is not going to be a great post. I know several readers have demanded new content, but that's going to have to wait briefly (Reid, you can't demand new content when you haven't delivered in more than a month.)

I figured out who random_handle is (check the comments on this post), and as it turns out, he's an old friend of mine from throughout our pre-post-secondary education days. I have great respect for his opinions, mostly because he knows more than me about almost everything. So when I barf my leftist social commentary onto this blog, I will look forward to his debunking of my "facts".

If I can find the video for a project we did in grade 11 social studies, I'll rip it and post the good parts on this blog. Oh who am I kidding, the whole thing is going up - it's gold. As a group we spent > 30 hours working on 7 minutes of footage. It earned us 100%, however, the awkward genius in the class (we'll call him Bryan J.) hacked something together in 5 minutes that was hilarious in a different way and earned nearly the same grade. My hat was off to him for that, since I respect the least effort, maximal result approach to school. I wonder what he's doing now...

Kristen = Awesome

Posted by Johnny at 11:13 p.m.

This is in response to the only comment left on my last post, which was Kristen demanding that I write a new post.

Proof that Kristen is Awesome
by Johnny

There are people in this world who make you think to yourself, "Wow, he or she is cool." These cool people are, however, few and far between, as most people you meet leave you scratching your head and thinking, "Wow, he or she is a complete idiot." If you unite the cool group with the idiot group and subtract that union from the population of the world, you are left with a very, very small set of people: the Awesome Group. Right now, this group only contains Kristen, and I can prove it.

The proof is actually quite simple. We begin by outlining our basic assumptions. First, we assume that the three groups previously described (cool, idiot, and Awesome) are mutually exclusive. That is to say, a person Johnny cannot be both cool and an idiot, nor can he be cool and Awesome, etc. He definitely can't be all three. You might argue that being Awesome implies that you are cool, but this is not the case. Awesome is so far above cool that if you were to call an Awesome person cool, it would (and should) be taken with great insult.

So we've established that the three groups are mutually exclusive. This is lemma 1. Our second assumption is that no person can belong to a group that doesn't exist, and therefore can only belong to one of the three groups. This is lemma 2. These two lemmas are all we need to prove that Kristen is Awesome.

On to the proof. We will do this in two ways, the first being contradiction. Let's first assume that Kristen is not awesome. By lemma 1, this means that Kristen is either cool or an idiot. Since she is the inventor of the Sexy Kangaroo costume, however, she is neither cool nor an idiot, which contradicts lemma 1. And by lemma 2, she can only belong to one of the three groups, and therefore must be Awesome. QED.

If that wasn't convincing enough, our final proof will be a straight proof and will be simpler than the previous one. For this we must consider her review of the Great Gatsby. In the review, she described how she missed the point of the story and thought it was going to be deep. She also said, "I'm probably going to get some comment from someone explaining to me why I am a complete idiot...," however, no one commented to explain why she was an idiot and thus is not an idiot. The fact that she actually read a book proves that she is also not cool. Therefore, by lemma 1 and lemma 2, she is not cool, nor an idiot and must be Awesome. QED.

I have a bonus proof to offer, which is another straight proof. As I write this proof, Kristen is staying up, waiting for me to publish the post. This establishes that she is not cool, because she is staying up late, waiting for me to publish a lame blog post. But it also proves that she is not an idiot, because anyone who reads my blog cannot be an idiot (this is lemma 3, or something.. who cares). By lemmas 1, 2, and 3(ish), we conclude that Kristen is therefore Awesome since she is not cool nor an idiot. QED.

These proofs, as contrived and unmathematical as they were, were oversimplified and somewhat trite. If you really want proof of the Awesome that is Kristen, you should hang out with us while we invent something Awesome, like electric bowling, or the genetically engineered Dove-Owl crossbreed (the Dowl). Or, perhaps the best proof lies in Kristen's standard response to a question about her motives: "Because I'm Awesome." QED.

Men Dressing Themselves - now in flowchart form!

Posted by Johnny at 8:14 a.m.

From here.

New words whose creation I've been around for

Posted by Johnny at 4:45 p.m.

I invented the word "mottie" today, and realized that I'm sitting on a small lexicon that might do service to others when they're looking for the perfect word to describe something. Here's a partial list (note that some of these are new uses for existing words):

• bring-a-ling (vb.) — Bring.
• executive decision (n.) — The act of using a restroom. (ie: I have to make an executive decision.)
• exfiltrate (vb.) — To exit an establishment in a stealthy or militarily forceful manner.
• jazz (vb.) — To play jazz music. (ie: I'm jazzing tomorrow night at the Beat Niq.)
• johnny (n.) — The act of requesting a date from a member of the opposite sex who is involved in a serious relationship, usually an engagement, due to either stupidity or lack of observation. (ie: I just pulled a johnny on that chick.)
• loserpissed (adj.) — A state of intoxication achieved with less-than-typical effort.
• molish (vb.) — The opposite of demolish. To create something.
• mottie (n.) — A moderately hottie. One who is moderately hot.
• snooker (vb.) — To accurately hit a man's groin, resulting in pain.
• stroy (vb.) — The opposite of destroy. To create something.
  
• teamsmanship (n.) — Conduct and attitude considered as befitting a member of a team.
• tom (n.) — The act of driving through a yellow light as it turns red without altering the speed of the vehicle from the moment the yellow light was observed. (ie: I just pulled a tom.)
• train (vb.) — To ride public transit. (ie: Are you training in the morning?)

If you have any words that you think should be added to our vernacular, leave them in the comments.

Let's hope that I'm wrong

Posted by Johnny at 8:43 a.m.

In case you live under a rock or are stranded on a tropical island in the Pacific, I feel I should inform you that the 2006 US midterm elections are today. The entire world is watching and crossing their fingers for the Democrats to take back the House and the Senate, but the Republicans won't let go without a fight. I should also inform you that the first couple paragraphs of this post will be a rant, followed by some predictions.

Commence the rant.

This has been a bad year for the Republicans, namely because most of them are complete idiots with ethical and moral values that predate the enlightenment. Just go and watch Borat to see how actual Republican voters think, if you can call it thinking. Don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to an opinion, and I'm certainly not one to rule out economic conservatism, but this is 2006. We don't need to make gay people the new black people - they deserve the same rights and freedoms as straight people, such as marriage. We also don't need to dispose of 500,000 frozen embryos because some Christians believe it will make Jesus cry. You know what might make Jesus actually cry? Not searching for cures to currently incurable diseases and letting millions of real people die.

Since religion keeps trying to slip it into the governmental orifice like a jacked-up frat boy on a passed-out sorority girl, we have to be ever vigilant about who handles our drinks. Ok, that simile was a little over the top, but you get the idea. Even though we aren't Americans, we elected a prime minister who could be the Milhouse to America's Bart. I realize that Canada was mad at the Liberals for scandalously spending money to keep Quebec a part of our wonderful country, but did we really need to do a complete 180? I suppose in Canadian terms, 180 is more like an 18, but it's still a big change. I would be more pissed off about Harper being in office, but I just don't care that much. He'll do something to screw it up, then Eastern Canada will get its brain back and vote in somebody more moderate who wasn't involved in any scandals or any previous Liberal administrations (Michael Ignatieff, anyone?).

Thus concludes the rant.

Speaking of voting, as I mentioned previously, the midterm elections in the US are tonight and the Republicans could cheat in many ways to retain their control. Here are just a few of them:

• The National Republican Congressional Committee could pay to annoy the shit out of potential Democrats by repeatedly robo-calling their houses with messages that appear to be from their local Democratic candidates.
• Black Republican candidates could send flyers around that falsely label them as Democrats in order to trick the less-informed into voting Republican.
• The Republicans could exploit (or possibly even rig) the needlessly complicated and terribly buggy electronic voting machines that falsely register Democratic votes as Republican votes.
• Republicans could capitalize on John Kerry's idiotic attempt at a joke and make it sound like he, a decorated veteran, has contempt for US troops. John, why did you have to speak?
• Giving a nod to Sideshow Bob, the Republicans could capitalize on the "dead vote." Note that this is the only item on the list that they probably haven't done yet, since Republicans are incapable of experiencing fun and thus don't watch old episodes of The Simpsons.
  

With all the methods I've listed (and especially those tucked inside Karl Rove's horn-covered head), I don't see any way the Democrats stand a chance. Actually, I firmly believe the Dems are going to lose, but it won't be due to the fraud that will undoubtedly take place.

I think they are going to lose because > 50% of Americans still live in the 1800s.

This is unrelated

Have Sex, Live Longer

Posted by Johnny at 2:49 p.m.

This article published in the British Medical Journal presents findings indicating that men who have a high frequency of orgasm hold a 50% lower chance of death from coronary heart disease than those who have a low frequency of orgasm. In addition to the findings presented in this article, I've outlined my "research" "findings" on this subject below:

• Women who have regular sex will live longer. This is because the men they are having sex with won't be dying soon, which reduces their fear of not being able to have regular sex and thus extends their life.
  
• Men who have regular sex will be happier than those who don't. Take it from me - I'm not having regular sex (regular = any) and I'm a miserable son of a bitch. Therefore, the key to happiness is abstaining from abstinence.
• Women who have regular sex will be less bitchy. This is a known fact and is good for everyone.
• Men who have regular sex care less about things that aren't sex, and will be easier to coerce into doing girly things. This is good for women, and the men won't notice.

Conclusion: Fuck, I need to get laid. Come on women, these findings speak for themselves and all point to you having sex with me because I'm available. If, for some strange reason, I'm not available, I'm pretty sure my friends Reid and Kevin are both available. Brett is too, but he lives in Texas. But since this is my post, you have to prioritize me over these other guys.

Worst post ever.

Posted by Johnny at 9:17 a.m.

Just to warn you, this post is going to suck, so don't expect anything brilliant.

Question Marks
I occasionally find my inbox at work littered with unnecessary question marks. It seems that people have forgotten what the word, "question" means - as in, "question mark." You see, a question is a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply. Sentences that are not questions that have been suffixed with a question mark take on a completely different meaning. See the following real-world examples.

Also - none of the links on the course schedule work? They have a "masters" subdirectory?

These were not intended to be questions. The person just asked me if none of the links worked and if they had a masters subdirectory. How the fuck should I know? See, that was a question that necessitated a question mark.

I don't think they are the same? Under Project Management on the site schedule, the APM course is first - but on the newsletter schedule it is last?

Again, are you asking me or telling me? "I don't think they are the same. Period." The "question" you asked me essentially meant, "I don't know what I'm thinking."

Hi – I’m still having problems – the logo is still the wrong file, and now I can’t seem to get the font face to change?

You don't know if you can get the font face to change? Did you try? Oh, you did, and you couldn't. Then WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?!

Excellence in Municipal Affairs
This sign was produced by stupid people:

Anonymity is Useless

Anonymous said...

I love you Johnny. And I am not God. Nor Satan. Or Darwin, for that matter....

7:08 PM

I don't need anonymous love any more than I need genital warts. Anonymity helps me in no way whatsoever, so if "Anonymous" is at least a moderately attractive woman, please reveal your identity. If you're a man, touch your nose and nod.

Man, this post has sucked. I have no inspiration to write any more words, so ... yeah.

Engineers need sex too

Posted by Johnny at 11:02 p.m.

Ok, I'm pretty sure that having sex doesn't get in the way of becoming an engineer, nor do engineers abstain by choice (on average). I think the problem is that there are so few women in our degree that our chances are severely reduced.

Think about it. If engineers are 1/3 women, 1/3 of which who are attractive, 1/2 of which are single, and 1/2 of which are looking for a boyfriend, that means 1/36 of the entire engineering population are available for the other 24/36.

Ok, maybe my logic is a little fuzzy there, because I assumed that all male engineers were attractive and single, which is SO NOT the case. Let's say half of the male engineering population is datable, so that means 12/36 of the engineers are going after 1/36 of the engineers. That's a sad state of affairs.

What is the solution? Expand your borders, engineering men. Look outside your degree to the arts, the sciences, and ... KNES? No, don't date people in KNES. Even though they're attractive, they're not your type.

borne again

Posted by Johnny at 8:55 p.m.

im writting 2 tell u about my experence with jesus and how He changed My life recently. i was bord on sunday an d decided to go too church iwth my x gf bc she has her head on strait. at least thats what kyle told me in high school and hes like the most Devoted christian i can think of. i wish i was like him.

neway, i was In church with the x and she told me shed take me back if i excepted jesus into my Heart. and i wa s liek, wow, this is egsactly what i want bc im like so lonely... so if i can get her back in2 my Life and jesus at the same time, than all of my lonelenis wud go away to hell with satan and darwin where they spend they're time sodomy each other.

i thought about it for a While and and i decidedt o excapt jesus into my heart and get bak 2gether with the x at the same time. i told her my Desision and she got very happy i think becus she started agnoring me agian just like old times and telling me that We had to wait until marrege. i really missed that alot.

than for a little while things got worse & she wasnt talkin to me and she said we had to brake up agen. this made me sad and i tried to Bargain with her but it didnt work and it felt worse then the first couple brakeups.

the only difference is that i now Have jesus to protect me from lonlines and all other bad emotions that we wernt inteligntly dezigned to fell so i;m going to be alrite. just nowing that the earth is ten 000 years old and evaulooshun is Wrong makes me fell cumforted.

praise jEsus, not alla or darwin or the jewish god

An Exercise in Stereotyping: Transit Folk

Posted by Johnny at 2:55 p.m.

I'm an avid Calgary transit customer and have come to know the many types of transit riders. I bet that a person's behaviour while riding public transit reveals deeper truths about his/her personality, but I'm just going to describe their transit personae.

Cellphone Guy
Dressed To Impress might be his real name. His cologne diffuses freely and his Blackberry's ring tone is loud, but professional. When he answers the phone, he yells as if it's in the next car and the caller is deaf. The passengers next to him cringe as he spews forth corporate buzzwords like synergy, paradigm shift, and value-added. Luckily, his call is relatively short, but he ends it with a boisterous bout of forced, wheezing laughter, which is probably a sign of his numerous failed attempts to quit smoking.

Cellphone Girl
She's somewhere between jailbait and just right, which means her voice is still screechingly high-pitched and she speaks like a fucking valley girl. You never hear her ring tone because she's been on the phone since you embarked, and she'll keep talking long after you've disembarked. Her conversation goes something like this:

"i was like going to the mall with like matt, and then he like kissed me and i was like ohmygod what am i going to tell derek because like i really like matt but i don't want to like--"

"OH MY GOD! LIKE, DIE!" is what you're thinking as she doesn't.

The Discourteous Jerk
He may take on many forms: you might see him with his feet up on the seat across from him, sitting with his bag filling the seat beside him, or having a nice little nap (sitting down) while a pregnant lady with groceries stands next to him. He might also insist upon wearing his Everest trekking backpack and reading the Herald while standing in the sardine tin that is rush hour. Whether he's truly discourteous or merely oblivious is difficult to discern, but you can be sure that the passengers around him are silently expressing their polite indignation, perhaps by shooting a grimaced look at his bulbous head.

Slowly Growing Deaf
The ubiquity of the iPod and its brethren has ushered in a new generation of idiots who are too stupid to realize that loud music = hearing loss. Not only that, this portable music (r)evolution has flooded our trains with idiots sporting low quality headphones that not only blast their shitty music into their unsuspecting eardrums, but also into the surrounding air as a tinny, but somewhat recognizable drone. It's never certain whose earphones are blasting what noise, but the art of stereotyping can be of some use.

For example, guys with beards and/or long hair are probably listening to that fucking awful power metal (redundancy alert) that you hear, and the would-be Cellphone Girl is listening to the diabetes-inducing bubblegum pop whilst reciting the dance moves she saw on Much. As always, every stereotype has exceptions, which means the black guy wearing Sean John is the one listening to Toby Keith. Now that's juxtaposition.

The Token Retarded Person
First of all, the word "retarded" is not offensive, it is a medical term. The word "retard" is offensive, and the people who strive to be politically correct are usually retards. Now that that's out of the way...

He might be visibly retarded through his physical appearance, or maybe through his actions. Either way, it becomes obvious fairly quickly that the guy persistently rocking back and forth or making loud squawking noises is not normal, whatever that is. After a few minutes of pretending not to be distracted, you start hoping that he'll get off the train soon. Thus, a series of questions in your mind is ignited:

"God damnit, when is he leaving?"
"Does he know which stop is his?"
"Does he know which stop we're at right now?"
"Does he even know that he's on the train??"
"Is he even aware of his own existence, let alone the hordes of other passengers who he is annoying the crap out of??"
"God damnit, when is he leaving?!?"

Then he spits on your shoe and then explodes into uncontrollable laughter.

The Drunk Guy at 4pm
He may or may not be Native and he may or may not be homeless. The only sure thing is that he's drunk and you can smell him from across the car. He's swaying to the power ballad in his mind like a ship on an increasingly violent sea, even when the train isn't moving. His jacket is flapping open just enough to reveal the unconspicuous paper bag stuffed in his inside pocket, not that you needed any more evidence. As his final gift to the train, he staggers towards the door and vomits on the floor, causing the normals to migrate away. After he leaves, someone informs the train operator that there's vomit in car 2, and they stop the train and evacuate the car. Thanks Drunk Guy, I'm now 10 minutes late for my hair cut.

The Token Insane Person
He is harder to identify than the Token Retarded Person, but those two have many commonalities. The quintessential similarity is the uncertainty factor. Once identified, you never really know what the Token is going to do. "Is he going to talk to me?" "Is he going to spit on me?" "Is he going to rape me?? On public transit? Oh god, what kind of monster is this?!?"

He disembarks before you do because crazy people don't live in the suburbs. Then you tell all your suburb friends that you were almost raped on public transit.

Last, but not least,
The Guy Who Seems a Little Off and Turns Out to be an Insane Racist
Our final rider is based on an experience of mine and is more of an archetype, versus a stereotype.

I was sitting with my Asian friend Sam, reading a Chem textbook, when the guy standing next to me says "that's a good subject."

I say, "Umm.. yeah, it's not bad." I hadn't looked at him yet, so I thought he might be a chem prof or something, so I didn't want to say what I really thought about chem.

"Yeah, it's a really good subject. Is that a textbook? Because I don't have any textbooks, but I bought some books from Chapters."

Ok, that seems reasonable, I guess. "Oh yeah."

"Are you in university?"

"Yeah." Fuck dude, leave me alone.

"I didn't go to university, but you know what the problem with university is?"

"What?" I really hope he's sane. Please, let him be sane.

"Foreigners. There are too many god damn foreigners in university and they haven't gone to high school in Canada, so they're behind everyone else and it takes them forever to catch up..."

"Uh.." Okay, this motherfucker is grade A not sane. This is why I didn't point out that international students were probably near the top of their class in their superior high school systems and have learned English in order to study at a North American institution.

"...They're just a drain on society. Immigrants are a drain on society. Drain on society... Drain on.. drain on society because they didn't do high school here..."

And he got stuck in an infinite loop, repeating variations of "drain on society" as he walked off the train.

Conclusion
I've tried to cover a large number of stereotypes here, but I'm sure I've forgotten some. Please, fill in the ones I forgot, and share your own transit stories.

Summer Employment

Posted by Reid at 9:52 p.m.

In pondering how I am best suited to accumulate enough wealth to buy myself a trophy wife (or at least a wife willing to have sex with me who I don't find unattractive), I was searching ways to keep living costs down while maximizing market exploitation.

With Alberta's market booming, surely a young lad could make a couple dollars. Think Reid, think...

From my experience this summer, I found that many people looking for work had left their families in other provinces and moved out to Calgary. None of these men had the sweet touch of a woman. Not that I would call what they get a sweet touch...probably more like a callused slap. Nonetheless, I am sure these men would pay for some sweet loving. Of course, there is always the issue that nobody in any sort of endorsable state would ever have intimate relations with these men. Most don't have their teeth, have any hair, and don't shower. Worst of all, any person that would touch these men would want to be compensated heavily and that means less money for me...and I don't really want to be a pimp.

Enter a man's new best friend:

The Fleshlight

Yes, this patented technology retails for only $60 and is reusable! No longer are the days of paying for a service and getting shorted! No longer is it a race against the clock. With this ultra customizable pleasure device, any rigger would be happy.

I figure if fleshlights were delivered directly to a rig, you could probably sell 6-10 at $300 each (remember, these guys are desperate AND have a wod of cash to spend on booze and pleasure). This is up to $3k per rig, with a cost of about $500 (I assume I could get a bulk discount). I would have to cover the gas costs of driving from rig to rig, but nonetheless, a tidy profit could be made.

Just check out how diverse the fleshlight is:
First, Choose the Orifice






Next, choose the sensation:







The second from the left is the "Ultra Tight" sensation and is recommended for use with the anal orifice.


I've heard from a couple people that fleshlights are addictive and some have even said that they are better than the real thing. All I'd need is one "demo" light to prove to the guys on the rig that this is worth their $300. With it, they can live out their every fantasy.


Yes, this summer I'm heading to the rigs.

Post #120! Or, some pics from Kimberley.

Posted by Johnny at 12:49 p.m.

First, I have to opine on the awkwardness experienced when someone is working on the ceiling of the men's washroom while you're in a stall. It's awkward because they can see you. I hope they're done soon, for my sake and theirs.

Anyway, here are some Kimberley pics that Lauren took. My (witty) comments are attached. Also, these are not in chronological order. Finally, these are mostly from Saturday & Sunday, because most of Friday's pics are too revealing...

We are playing asshole and I remember winning every game. That's right, bitches!


Ryan & Shawna-Seah
Cranium + Corona + Wine = Challenging


Lauren, Johnny, and Derek were the winning team for game 2. Game 1 was men vs. women and the men won.


This is the crawlspace underneath the cabin. Shawna-Seah thought the little grey mass northeast of her left ass cheek could have been a dead mouse, so she got out of there. The hanta virus isn't cool.


I think we're playing Scrabble. It's not porn, I swear.


Mmm....


The whole group on the priVATE beACH.


Nice pine cones, Lauren.

The Comp Sci approach to Government Analysis

Posted by Johnny at 3:22 p.m.

Here's an article from wired:

I've been puzzling over the Republican bill to deny accused terrorists fair trials, and the seemingly-irrational language champions of the legislation have been using to describe its purpose.

The goal, "is to render justice to the terrorists, even though they will not render justice to us." -- Senator Lindsey Graham.

"We don't want (terror suspects) to have everyday rights of American civilians right here. These are war criminals." -- Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist.

It occurs to me now that the whole 94-page bill really amounts to a common, one-character programming error.

if (person = terrorist)
{
    punish_severely();
}
else
{
    exit(-1);
}

Can you spot the error? (Solution).

This is why coders and other left-brained types seldom vote Republican.

I'm confident the Supreme Court will catch this in debugging. Just in case, I'm sending them a copy of Kernighan and Ritchie.

For my non-geek readers, the error is in the first line of code. The = sign should be a == sign. This error causes the 'person' variable to be set to 'terrorist' every time instead of checking to see if the person is a terrorist. The result is that the exit(-1) code never gets executed and punish_severely() is always executed.

If this bill is passed, I can picture the future's history books referring to the US as a Republican dictatorship.

Global Warming Due to CO2? Poor science.

Posted by Reid at 10:16 p.m.

Maybe I'm just getting old, but I've found CBC's Newsworld to be providing better programming than in the past. Tonight, I briefly watched a documentary on global warming presented by the wonderful David Attenborough. Now I like David Attenborough a lot. He's provided BBC viewers with some amazing nature documentaries. I, however, completely disagree with his arguments in the film. Having been shown on The Big Picture with Avi Lewis, there was a debate following the film. I was shocked at the pathetic arguments people were making for and against "Global Warming". Let's go over the basics:

Global Warming: The world's mean temperture is going up.

That's it. That's all the term "Global Warming" says. This is well supported by data obtained in preceeding years. For some unknown reason (biased media bullshit and loud mouth tree huggers), people seem to think that global warming has to do with CO2 levels. The general "Scienctific Concesus" is that if we reduce our emissions, we reduce the global warming.

David Attenborough put out a bunch of "calcutions" from someone's ass to show how much we could reduce the emissions by using alternative power sources besides carbon. I wanted to shoot myself in the face. I don't even know where to start, so let's begin with CO2.

As we can see, the CO2 levels are so much lower than they were 150 million years ago. Going back to 500 MYA, today's 0.03% is nothing. Were the dinosaurs worried about CO2 levels? Was it too hot for them? Was it a bad thing that the levels were so high? If it weren't for the increase, we would probably not exist. Rapid changes occur all the time, which is how the slow process of evolution can reach higher rates.

More important than anything is that there is no reason to assume that CO2 levels are the causal agent of global warming.

One of the suggestions in the film was to use nuclear power to reduce CO2 emissions. AHhhhhh, this kills me. I'm all for nuclear power, but does it really reduce global warming? How the fuck do they pull numbers out or how much it will reduce the climate change? Oh, they calculate the change in CO2 emission. Here's a novel concept. Maybe the earth is heating not because of the CO2 but because billions of years of energy is being released in a small period of time. Consider an example.

A small room starts out at a reasonable tempterature. You enter the room and begin dancing around. Within 5 minutes, the temperature in the room has increased dramatically. Is it because of the CO2 you are breathing out? Is it because you ate a cow instead of your granola? If you ate nothing at all, would it change anything? NO, because what it is heating the room is the release of energy from your body. Why is this such a hard concept? New energy sources don't solve the problem. We are still heating up our world by heating out houses, boiling pots of water, even taking a shit. Yes, taking a shit would warm a small area of surrounding air.

There is no real solution to this "problem", if you wish to all it that. The world is warming, we are probably doing our part in contributing to it. For the record, the temperature has been significantly higher and lower prior to us contributing. Are you going to live without energy and kill off a bunch of people, or are you going to take your chances with evolution and the natural homeostasis mechanisms of the world that must haven been implemented before?

Fuck people, are we actually going to do anything useful, or just spend a lot of money?

Punchline

Posted by Johnny at 12:29 p.m.

Exerpt from the Avi Lewis-hosted debate on CBC last night:

Lewis: But how can you tell which parts of the Bible to interpret literally?
Misinformed religious dude: The Bible interprets itself!
Audience: (Bursts out laughing)

This phrase is going to become a part of my daily language and I encourage you all to do the same. Here's an example of its use:

Johnny: Guess what Kristen! I got laid last night!
Kristen: Yeah, and the Bible interprets itself.

I think it could catch on in some circles.

Life 202: Driveways

Posted by Johnny at 11:25 a.m.

This is a rant that's been coming for a while. It will be brief, but intense.

LEARN DRIVEWAY ETIQUETTE. NOW.

(This is directed at my mom's clients who are making drop-offs and pick-ups at my house during the rush hours.)

Here's something you may not have known: When you park in front of a single width driveway, it prevents people who are already on the driveway from exiting the driveway. This may be desirable when said persons with cars on the driveway are trying to get to work and have to wait for you to exit your minivan, make the drop off, get back in the minivan, and move the minivan.

Similarly, when people who have a justified use for the driveway need to put their car back on the driveway, it's difficult to do that when a minivan is blocking the entrance to the driveway. Not to mention that the minivan's driver takes forever to return to the minivan because they fail to see the person trying to enter the driveway. Then it takes an additional forever to load the cargo back into the minivan, at which point, after 2 forevers have passed, the driver trying to enter the driveway can finally achieve his goal.

Here's another fact: A partially blocked driveway is still a blocked driveway. The last time I checked, no one at my house owns a motorbike, nor does anyone ride a bicycle to work. So why couldn't you move your fucking minivan another 4 feet forward so that I can fit my fucking Toyota past the fucking minivan? GOD DAMN IT!

Why would anyone park halfway blocking the driveway and halfway not?!?! How does that make any sense?! Are you trying to save gas? Let's figure out how much money you're saving by not driving an extra 4 feet. If you're minivan gets 13.4L/100km in the city and you are saving a distance of 1.5m by blocking my car, you are saving 0.000201 L of gas. Assuming an average pump price of $0.90/L, that means you just saved yourself $0.00018. Holy fucking shit! That was clearly worth it.

I'm not stereotyping, but the data I've collected on this subject indicates that the worst offenders of driveway inettiquette are soccer mom types with minivans. Soccer dads have offended as well, but it is not as frequently. When the dads do it, they fucking giv'er by actually parking right next to the door on the driveway.

One final thing before I conclude this rant. If you're backing your minivan out of a single-width driveway, as in Figure 1, and there is a parked car that you have to drive around so that you don't hit the car parked across the street, try turning the fucking steering wheel while you back out. Otherwise, you'll hit the car parked across the street and be called an idiot by me for as long as you live, which probably won't be very much longer given your driving abilities.

Figure 1: Backing Out

As you can see, the green lines show the correct path, while the red lines show the incorrect path.

Life is hard, isn't it?

State of the world: not ended

Posted by Johnny at 4:03 p.m.

If you recall one of my previous posts about the guy who "predicted" that the world would end on September 12, he was wrong, as I predicted he would be.

If you're keeping score,

Johnny: 1
Religious nut: 0

The Mars Volta + Red Hot Chili Who?

Posted by Johnny at 12:46 a.m.

Last post, I alluded to the fact that Jon Theodore, former drummer for the Volta, left the band in late July and that I was worried about whether his replacement could fill the shoes.

I apologize to Blake Fleming for ever doubting his abilities. They FUCKING ROCKED.

They sound amazing live and put on one of the most energetic shows I've seen. I'm still amazed at the musicianship of Omar and Cedric and at the tightness of the band. If anyone wants to come with me, I'm going to try to catch one of their shows in the US when they go on tour to promote Amputechture.

Tonight's setlist for the Volta:

1. Roulette Dares (super-extended)
2. The Widow
3. Tetragrammaton
4. Viscera Eyes
5. Day of the Baphomets

And that was a one-hour show. I would have loved to hear Cicatriz ESP, Drunkship of Lanterns, and Take the Veil, but maybe I'll get to hear that when I see them in the US.

Oh yeah, and the Chili Peppers played too. John Frusciante is the man, Flea is cool, Chad Smith looks like Will Farrell and has some nice licks, and Anthony Keidis is the musical equivalent of Mission Impossible III - shiny exterior with a hollow interior. They put on a good show, but they didn't play Under the Bridge!! I couldn't believe it.

PS: Two people noticed my Mr. Bungle T and had very exuberant comments about it.

Proof of Attendance

Posted by Johnny at 3:05 p.m.

If you look closely at the enclosed red areas, you'll see Sara, Kevin, and I at the U of C kickoff watching Bedouin Soundclash. Kevin's face is cut off, as is my "Mr. Bungle" t-shirt.

This image can (currently) be seen on the ucalgary.ca index.

Speaking of the Mr. Bungle shirt, I'm going to wear it to the Chili Peppers' concert on Saturday in hopes that Anthony Kiedis will see it and get pissed off and not play. Then the Mars Volta will have to fill in for them, but since nobody in this city listens to them, I'll be the only one watching. Then, they'll invite me on stage to jam because their drummer quit and they had to get a (presumably) sucky guy to fill in. Yeah, I can see that happening.

If you're wondering why Kiedis would be pissed off about Mr. Bungle, it's because Bungle did a Halloween gig as the RHCP and pretended to shoot heroine and snort coke on stage. They also purposely butchered the songs. Kiedis, when he found out, had the Warner Bros. execs pull Bungle from a bunch of festival gigs. Sense of humour: check.

...any club that would have me

Posted by Johnny at 11:39 p.m.

My brief research into clubs at the U of C has yielded the results I was expecting: there are 14 clubs dedicated to some form of religion, and 0 dedicated to humanism, atheism, or free thinking (or anything even remotely related). The Religion category, as listed on the Student's Union website, is as follows:

• Ahmadiyya Muslim Students Association
• Baptist Student Ministries (BSM)
• Calgary Chinese Christian Fellowship (CCCF)
• Campus Association for Baha'i Studies (CABS)
• Campus for Christ
• Catholic Community, U of C
• GNOSIS
• Intervarsity Christian Fellowship (IVCF)
• Iranian Students' Association
• Latter-day Saints Student Association
• Muslim Students' Association (MSA)
• Navigators, U of C
• Sikh Students' Association
• Victory Campus Ministeries (formerly U of C Life)

NOTE: There is a Jewish Student's club, which has been debatably been placed under the Ethnic/Cultural category. I would have included that under the Religions category, since Judaism is a religion.

NOTE: Iran is not a religion, it is a country, contrary to what the Student's Union would have you believe.

Now, if you've ever read this blog before, you can probably guess that I'm disappointed by the lack of representation in this list for those students who live without religion, such as myself. I can't be the only one on campus who believes that religion, as with every other byproduct of humanity, should not be protected from scientific, and thus logical, analysis, nor should we slow the growth of humanity and the human condition in the name of protecting archaic and irrational beliefs. If I'm the only one, then I will dedicate the inevitably shed tear to those capable of saving humanity from itself.

If club week fails to deliver this year, as it did last year, then by the time I return to classes in 2007, I promise to be ready to start a Secular Humanist club on campus. I've yet to decide on a good club name, but Free Thinkers Nonymous is near the top on my list of ideas.

During this next year, I will learn as much as I can about Humanism, drawing from the ever-reliable Free Inquiry, Paul Kurtz, Richard Dawkins, and anything else I can find. I will also need ideas for activities that can be carried out by the club; there are only so many pro-choice counter-protests you can do before the campus eye loses interest.

I doubt that I'm the right person to start this club, since my knowledge of Humanism only slightly outweighs my knowledge of religion. But if I know more about Christianity than a lot of the Christians I know (thanks to Reid), then my knowledge of Humanism can't be that bad. I guess if this club fails to take off, I can always start a progressive music appreciation club.

Edmonton Recap

Posted by Johnny at 12:40 a.m.

Reid and I got drunk and ate good food and walked around lots. It was a good time. That was the Coles' Notes of the weekend - good times all around. And...

I met a girl today on the bus from Edmonton to Calgary. I didn't plan to talk to anyone, but I just lucked out. There was a dad with a young daughter who needed two seats together, so I gave mine up and moved next to the attractive girl who was making eye contact with me earlier.

We talked the whole way to Calgary. I'll spare the details except that she moved here in June from somewhere else in Canada, is turning 20 in a month, and is going to the U of C next year. At the end of the trip, I gave her my phone number, not asking for hers back, but she kindly offered it to me. I'm debating whether or not she was interested in me in a dating sense, but I'll probably call her on Wednesday.

As long as I have 0 expectations, I can't be disappointed.

PS: I added Kristen's blog to my list at the side. It's funny and well-written. Read it.

I'm no longer drunk in Vancouver

Posted by Johnny at 2:43 a.m.

I am writing this on the plane home to Calgary, although I posted this when I got home (I presume).

First of all, the wedding: it was a blast. The couple got married in the Botanical Gardens, which is quite beautiful (pics to follow at a later date). They got married by a Justice of the Peace, so there weren't any long prayers or anything, which was good because we were all standing outside.

After the 6pm ceremony was the reception at which I became nice and intoxicated. I think the only person who danced more than me was my cousin Carol, the groom's mother, but I was holding back and drinking too much water.

I didn't get laid, unfortunately, so there won't be any interesting pictures. Oh well, next time... right. There also won't be any pictures of the absolutely beautiful naked woman I saw on the beach today. Those pictures will only exist in my mind until porn inevitably erases it.

Now, what is a weekend without a mishap and interesting story? First of all, the mishap: we understood that our flight home to Calgary left at 10:20 pm Vancouver time and arrived in Calgary around 12:30 am. When we got to the Vancouver air port, our reference number didn't seem to exist in the system, so we talked to the oxymoronic "Self-service Assistants". They graciously pointed out that the flight we were trying to catch had already landed in Calgary at 10:20 pm, Calgary time. Oops. We missed our flight, so we had to pay $300 to rebook on the 10:45 flight out of Vancouver. I plan to get to sleep around 3:00 am.

Now for the interesting story: I got hit on this weekend. Ok, maybe that isn't so interesting - it doesn't happen very often, but it has happened before (honest). Now, I'm pretty sure the next sentence I type has not been uttered ever before in the history of the world.

I got hit on by a beat-boxing quadriplegic high school girl with a broken shoulder in a hotel elevator.

Yes, every single word of that sentence is true. Her brother was pushing her wheelchair and she was telling me how she is the bread winner in the family because of her beat-boxing skills, over which her brother freestyles (he didn't say anything, so I can only assume it was true). She proceeded to tell me her life story in 30 seconds, which included breaking her spine, being told twice that she was going to die and both times surviving. I think I said, "wow", completely at a loss of words.

She was eyeing me up during the entire elevator ride and on the way out said, "See you later handsome. Say 'hi' to your girl for me." I didn't have time to explain that I didn't have a 'girl' to say hi to, but I took the compliment anyway. I was too dumbfounded to say anything back to her, so I just waved and smiled a goofy smile.

I love people, and I love Vancouver. I see it in my future again sometime soon, especially if I am promised more nudity on public beaches.

I'm Drunk in Vancouver

Posted by Johnny at 2:52 a.m.

First of all, sorry if this is misspelled or incoherent.

I am drunk in Vancouver off of booze that I didn't pay for, and I'm blogging about it in my personal hotel room. This is the life.

Here's what I've learned so far:

1. Vancouver is a beautiful city. The ocean and the various bays and inlets are amazing to see so ingrained in a city. I'd love to have seaside property here - that is, until the big earthquake hits and the city submerges.
2. Vancouver is a beautiful city. The women seem more gorgeous than in Calgary, if that's possible (which it definitely is). I was so tempted to hand out my spare hotel key to the waitresses who work at my cousin's bar, but they are far and beyond out of my league. There was this one girl from Montreal.... God Damn.
3. The paternal side of my mom's family parties just as hard as the maternal side. The younger ones would have fit right in at the Rubiks party and I would have had them bring their Montreal girls too.... mmmm.

I doubt I'll learn much more this weekend, but if I get laid, I'll be sure to post about it (sorry, no pics - I don't own a camera). Next weekend in Edmonton, on the other hand, could have some decent photographic evidence.

World is going to end on Sept. 12 (apparently). Hahaha.

Posted by Johnny at 3:07 p.m.

I can only assume that this idiot who posted the video moderates the comments himself and thus will not post mine. In that case, I have provided my comment below:

If the world is going to end, it won't be because of nuclear war. It will be because of blind faith and violent devotion to obsolete and conflicting dogmata.

Don't believe anything you read without questioning it, including this.

Lullaby... of Rock!

Posted by Johnny at 1:45 p.m.

Until now, I was somewhat undecided on the whole "should I have kids" thing. But this seals the deal.

This site sells albums filled with lullaby covers of all your favourite rock groups. Notably, this includes Led Zeppelin, Tool, Metallica, Nirvana, The Beatles, Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, and yes, even Pink Floyd.

My biggest fear about having children is that I will become a mindless zombie who only listens to whatever shitty music they enjoy. These albums would be perfect for making sure my kids are exposed to good music in their highly volatile developmental stages and for making sure I don't go insane. It's win-win.

Liquids on a motherfucking plane!

Posted by Johnny at 11:13 p.m.

Did anyone else find it strange that after preventing potentially "explosive" liquids from being taken on a plane, they started dumping them into giant garbage bins? This didn't make a ton of sense to me, especially if the liquids were so dangerous as they were saying. What if someone dropped their iPod into the bin and the whole thing blew up? Did you think of that, idiots?!

The terrorists were a year away from executing their plan, anyways. Some of them didn't even have passports. The UK government only swarmed them due to pressure from the US <insert citation here>, which has now created more terror and pointless restrictions on carry-on luggage.

By publicizing this supposed "win" against the terrorists, the two governments have in turn done the terrorists' jobs for them by inconveniencing people and inciting terror in the stupid.

I'm going to say what has been said in many blogs before me. The US government is the #1 terrorist organization in the world. I would imagine they've killed as many or more people than the other extremists they're fighting, and they are incredibly adept at inspiring fear in the naive members of their own society. Many of the terrorized hold great power in the government, so it becomes a viscious circle.

<conspiracy garbage>
Or maybe, the govermnent is doing this all on purpose in order to gradually gain complete control over their people. Before you know it, GW Bush will be up for re-election on his 5th term as High Chancellor of the United States of Godsland. Fear him.
</conspiracy garbage>

Thing I learned tonight

Posted by Johnny at 12:08 a.m.

• Regrets are not for me (or you).
  
• A tear shed in the present is worth two in the future.
  
• Time heals nothing, but the mind can choose what to remember.
  
• Maria Ozawa is a goddess (ok, that's not as deep as the others, but it's true).
• It takes ~5 complete spins for me to fall in love with any Mars Volta or any Mike Patton release. However, the Volta will probably never top Deloused in the Comatorium (in my books, at least), whereas Patton has the insanity/genius to top Mr. Bungle's California.